Saturday, January 28, 2006

Just a bit of a yoke okily dokily...

Under new laws declared by the Bush Administration, Big Pharma will
begin funding public education, but schoolchildren will now be
required to recite an UPDATED Pledge of Allegiance.
For those who may have forgotten, here's the ORIGINAL Pledge:
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
And to the Republic
For which it stands
One nation
Under God
With liberty and justice for all.
The NEW Pledge of Allegiance, authored by drug company researchers,
shall be recited as follows:
I pledge allegiance to the drugs
of the United States of America
And to the pharmaceutical
My doctor demands
One medication
Under FDA
With Viagra and Prozac for all.
A spokesperson for ConPfuzer, a leading drug company, explained the
reason for the changes: "Children need Prozac. All we're doing is
reminding them to take their medically-justified medications each
morning as they begin their school day. It's a genuine public service!
Big Pharma's hope, said the spokesperson, is to, "Boost mental focus,
improve grades, and provide funding to enhance our nation's schools.
We care about children. After all, they're our future customers."
Children who refuse to cite the new, nationally-recognized Pledge
will be tested for mental disorders by drug-toting psychiatrists who
are standing by, waiting for something to happen that gives their
meaningless lives some purpose.
"Many mentally disturbed children are not receiving treatment,"
grinned one psychiatrist, frantically thumbing through the DSM-IV
manual. "It is our responsibility to treat them all. You're not
against helping children, are you?"
A Bush Administration spokesperson, also present at the announcement,
said, "Since Bin Laden is attacking, we should drug all the children.
You're not a terrorist, are you?"
The new Pledge of Allegiance, we've also learned, has been
copyrighted by ConPfuzer, which will charge schoolchildren their lunch
money as a royalty payment for reciting the Pledge each day. "We must
teach schoolchildren to respect intellectual property at an early age,
" said a ConPfuzer statement. "Otherwise, they might grow up and
commit more serious crimes like sharing music."
It's too late to actually stop the new Pledge from becoming law.
President Bush, citing anti-terrorism powers, explained, "Laws are
whatever I say they are." Although, interestingly, he could not spell
"allegiance" during the signing of the law (although he had no problem
with "of").

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