Should have stayed in bed I think.

Some days are like this. The past few days I have had this awful feeling of gloom...call it grief... whatever. Sometimes it just hits home so hard. I've been talking and looking at old albums and all of that - not in a maudlin way but with a plan to get the best photos onto disc and share with Melissa and Alison.

I am okay mostly but sometimes I look at the photos and just curl up howling with sadness. Don and I had been as well prepared that something might happen to him as any, but what still has me stinging with bite is the cruelty.

I can not deal with the cruelty he suffered. It had no purpose at all and was just evil and the rotten mongrel bastards who so blithely go through their disgusting little lives dispensing this sort of cruelty will go on and on injuring and killing others... because they can. Thats all. Because they can.

Today was especially hard. I had to go into our accountant's office and sign up all the papers which would enter Don's last tax return and liquidate our business...

When Don got a settlement from Worker's compensation from his accident in 1982 he wisely (there is the Scot) bought a commercial property which rented out units to small business. All through the years from 1985 till last year he managed this, doing leases, sorting out cleaning and maintenance, refurbishing etc etc...

That property meant we could pay for our own nurses. We were entitled to Community Nursing help but his attitude was always if he could pay his way...that would mean there was more help out there for those who couldn't like the aged or chronically ill.

That property paid for the raising of our two girls, their schooling, clothes our food, out rates house etc.

He was so clever at making sure the building remained fully tenanted by being generous and fair with rents and working in with tenants who were all long term.

He really got his teeth into running this thing properly so that when we finally sold it last February 2006, he was quite sad to sign the papers. But he was no longer well enough for the rough and tumble... so we had a little time of peace... and he made sure what he got when he sold the building went into Super - This guy left school at 15. He had only one year in high school because his parents moved about so much.

He was dangerous (and I loved this about him) without formal education - am pleased for him that he educated himself because it made him original. None ever knew what was coming up because Don did not recognise what it was he was not supposed to do... that was his charm and at times it was thrilling.

So today when I signed off on all of this - I tried so hard not to lose the plot but broke down and bawled my eyes out in the accountant's office. It was like each thing I do is another thing which is a sort of marker to reality. It is that reality I have trouble with. People die everyday, and most of us will endure this sort of awful grief at least once in our lives if we are lucky - more for most of us.

I then hid in a few dead end corridors trying to regain control...

had to get a taxi home because the van is in the workshop and could barely get the name of my address out to the driver who knows us - country towns are "great" when you want to be anonymous.

Just couldn't get control this afternoon especially when I got jack of waiting for the Health Care Complaints Unit (where I believed my complaint about Don's treatment was lodged some weeks back) and was told "sorry never heard of you".

Our MP's office had promised to forward on my complaint. It is in a large folder and consists of 100 typewritten pages - which I laid out in plastic envelopes so they couldn't say it was too hard to follow - I had been about to post them off to the three different offices when his sidekick promised to forward them from the Shadow Minister...Dubbo here - after all my experience with shit pollies believed him...

hence this email sent to him this evening

"
Dear Andrew,
As you may have been informed by your Sydney and Kempsey staff, I rang the Health Care Complaints Unit today and was informed that they had not received my complaint as of today 10/10/07. I then rang your office at Parliament House and was told that they had been seen around there somewhere - possibly in an "Out" tray. I was told that the three folders your office said they would pass on for me to the Health Care Complaints Unit; the Ombudsman and the NSW Medical Registrar.

I had bought the five folders (one for you and one for Ms Skinner plus the other three with me to Parliament House. My intention was to post them but your staff said that they would deliver them.

I phoned your Kempsey Office this afternoon and was told that they would contact Sydney and ensure that all folders were forwarded and that they would let me know when this was done.
The family is very disappointed that they were not delivered and had been apparently forgotten.

If I had not thought to contact the HCCU this afternoon to find out why I had not received and acknowledgement I would have remained unaware and the family's complaint about Don's treatment and his death would have not been dealt with, in a fair amount of time.

I appreciate your efforts and hope that you can ensure that the three folders are delivered soon and that I am advised when the three folders actually are sent?
Thank you,"

so am waiting. Bastards. If you want to make things happen there is only one person who can make this happen...yourself - I know this...just stupid this time.

tomorrow will be a better day