King Donald of Craggy Island and his bewdiful Queen Middle Child would like you all to have a Happy Christmas and in fact it is we who grant you a whole day holiday so you can celebrate in your funny little homes, and exchange your funny little presents...you funny little people.
We will be receiving our just dues and tithes...you know "Render up to Caesar what belings to him" and all of that... and intend taking part in a right royal feast of spifflicated pheasant stuffed inside carked carcass of duck, inside a wee dead snowy white lamb, inside a humiliated and butchered hind all surronded by lashings of 4,000 year old casks of the best wine from our own fair kingdom here at Craggy island.
We will think of you all with your little mince pies and thin shaves of frozen turkey (if thats what it really is...) and hope you all enjoy your little rest, because its back to work in the smithy and fields on Boxing day or we'll have to give you a little boxxing around the ears to get you off your common working class behinds and back into your rightful places.
(PS Thats why they call it Boxing day...dolts)
WE know you will feel terribly honoured by us even bothering to remember to send you this, and should you send us EXTRA TAXES THIS YEAR WE WILL NO DOUBT DO IT AGAIN NEXT YULETIDE.