Monday, July 07, 2008

An old photo of Don holding our eldest,
Melissa (born in September 1974) Don was 24 and I 20. So long ago Not dealing with this grief thingie really well these days - or maybe I am... maybe shedding buckets of tears is normal - he was younger here than our own kids these days who are 33 and 30... but we were so grown up and owed nobody anything. It was a great time

This was taken only weeks before his can tell by the house behind us we didn't have much ... but we always felt rich and lucky... and we were; these two kids grew up in our love but they were not able to be childish children - it was a " different" childhood for them - lots of different expectations - not many trips to beaches etc- these two knew stuff and dealt with stuff most adults I know wouldn't have a clue about and I count them as my best mates these days.
The missing of Don is so total because of what he was, what he became and how we were with each other. It was a total thing if that makes sense and thats why I have so much trouble coming to grips with it. He broke his neck in 1982. We were just kids really but we learnt our own way of being - in between and it was as if we were one total human being... not just missing him but missing my other half as if my heart as been wrenched out of itself...
tomorrow will be better.
If he hadn't been so beautiful and soft it would be easier. I think I may have been spoilt by knowing him - when I hear aquaintances talk about their husbands most of it seems to be complaints - and I had the odd one, but could never be angry for long with him. He'd just finally smile that smile and we'd come together.
Sorry people - this must seem to you to be dragging on. All I can say is that if you are in a good relationship, treasure it now - the alternative does not bear thinking about.


Anonymous said...

But what good is sadness? I asked, demanded.

Sadness is beautiful and
There is truth in its beauty.

Offer up your truth. The most powerful thing.

JahTeh said...

You were indeed blessed.
In 30 years I never came close to what you and Don had.

rosemary said...

Don't have a clue as to who anonymous is but....well said by them and you Therese my friend.

cs said...

Oh MC:
You lost a a truly beautiful man--your soulmate! He was a real keeper and not many can say that nowadays. I love these pix! If you have buckets of tears right SO WHAT?!!! It hurts like hell honey. What are we suppose to do when we feel this sad? This is heavy duty grief! Cry on sister....know that you are loved from friends way up north...a rather eccentric crazy friend, but friend none-the-less. It is okay and you are right to share with us your pain. I wish I could take it all away and make it better--really, for you and your girls.

Don't beat yourself up, okay. Big big hugs and sending love

Middle Child said...

Anon - thats beautiful - thanks.

Jahteh - I know I was lucky - I don't know anyone luckier bar my own mother - thats the hard part - the shits get to live on untouched.

Rosemary - Thanks

CS He was a keeper alright but had some spurs in him in the early days - love don't come easy sometimes...

I really appreciate your understanding and hey - we are most of us crazy people - or are we the most sane of people in a crazy world where black is now white?

more cowbell said...

oh the pic of Don & baby is just beautiful. Beautiful pics, beautiful words, and truly the fact that you still have many tears and words coming forth only speaks to how beautiful your life together must have been.

Dysthymiac said...

you have no need to apologise for anything.
It has been quite clear for years, to all who have been reading your blog, that Don was special and you knew it.

Middle Child said...

more cowbel - and you know what is sad - to see so many couples who can't stand each other - doesn't make sense

dysthymiac - thanks - you made me cry saying that - easy done these days - Don saw a white horse when he was a boy which came and looked at him for ages and no one else saw it. He remembered it so clearly and it made hime happy to remember...there was something very special about him.