Friday, April 06, 2012

Was it a Dream

Was it a dream? Don’t think so – it was more real than real. In the early dawn hours I was “asleep” but aware – in the half waking state.. From nowhere within the dream I was having – Don was there. A gentle but solid touch nose to nose. Then one kiss – not sexual but sensual – a life-time love kiss –  Then again nose to nose and another just the same. I could feel warmth, and skin and was hyper aware. I lent in again nose to nose – the touch and then expecting lips that weren’t there I fell back into reality with a grief that knows no bounds but as well I felt as if I had been honoured and gifted.
 Like the dream I had one night a few years ago when I was in that same hyper aware state and I heard him call my name twice. I turned around physically and could see no one but had no doubts that something wonderful had happened.

I don’t go looking because I believe we must leave things as they are – but sometimes there is so much love that I believe in the middle of grief that will not ease – we are given a touch, a sound, a light inside our hearts –

That's what I think happened early this morning.

And now its a grey autumn afternoon – my favourite time of year. Its not all that cool yet, but I feel as if something has awakened in me as it usually does at this time of the year. I feel that emotionally I have been asleep for a very long time – as if I have been wasting my life – a life I am lucky to have shouldn’t be wasted.

Sometimes in very human moments I wonder what Don would think of me as I grow older – as I develop more flaws and bad habits? Of late at times for the first time in our lives together I have been questioning my own worth – but Autumn has rolled around again and once again time for some honest thinking and to be a bit kinder to myself. I think I got a little push this morning and glad so. Unsure if any one else has felt a loved one very close in what is more than a dream – I think Foxymoron has with her little baby Sarah – I did after Dad was killed and then Mum – What happened this morning felt holy – in a way – as if there are angels or something loving out there that allows us to have these wonderful and rare moments.

It has left me very emotional - feeling that slam of reality that you think is gone as you puddle along in your daily life - then it hits you hard enough to just about knock you flat for a while. You go through it and go on with life - I think it actually keeps you sane as hard as it seems on these sorts of days. Works for me.

Any one who has felt close grief knows this for a fact but sometimes I wish I didn't know.

My niece said at the eulogy when her father Bruce was killed "There will be no more new memories" and I felt so sad for her knowing what it is like to lose your Dad young...I just thought when I went hunting for photos - "There will be no more new photos" Lucky I have so many. But for my niece - maybe there will be new memories rare as they are - I have dreamt of my dad and it was as if he was in the room with me. He was killed when I was 15 but in the dream I was trying to get him to stay with me till the kids came home because I wanted him to meet them, and he said, "I already know them." In a dream I have driven our old green van up to her standing on the footpath and offered her a life, when she answered 'Its okay, I don't need a lift any more" and others.

Some would say its what we want to hear - and use psychology/ science to explain life the universe and everything away.  I think I have a bit too much of the Aussie/Celt in me to settle for something as clinical and stale as that. There definitely is something and it is a force for good - call it what you will - 


Mom said...

I believe something very real happened and it blessed you. No explanation is necessary. My mother frequently comes into my everyday world and blesses me still.

FoxyMoron said...

If it was just something you "wanted to hear" why does it happen so rarely? No, you definitely receieved a visit from Don, I truly believe that.
I had something very similar about two days after Sarah died, even before her funeral I think. I felt her lying on top of me, as she always loved to do, I could feel the warmth of her little body and the message to me, although there were no words (she was only four months old) was that she was okay, and safe.
I have often dreamed of my brother and always he is helping me in some way, or trying to, as he always did when he was alive.
I wish desperately that Sarah would come to me more often, but poor Phill has never dreamed of her.
Also I think it's really healthy for you to speak of your grief in this way instead of doing what so many would expect you to do and "get over it". Wish more of us were as honest and open as you are. As I've always said we won't "get over it" but will just learn how to live our lives around our loss and perhaps even draw meaning from it, I don't know.

Middle Child said...

Mom - I have no doubt myself - some "dreams" are just too real and usually involve smells and brightness for me.

Middle Child said...

Foxymoron - I knew how you felt and feel about these things - how beautiful your little Sarah - letting you know her love for you in the exact way you would recognise it...there is something truly marvellous out there - gives me hope