Saturday, April 21, 2012

Feeling a bit Droopy of late... I don't know what's wrong with me of late but I feel really tired and off colour - first I thought I was just down but then on came the nausea and racing heart - and it comes and goes in waves. I was at a meeting yesterday listening to a retired journo talk and he was really entertaining and funny, but I almost fell off the chair a few times as I kept drifting off - yet have had good sleep. Then when everyone else appeared quite comfortable I just broke out in waves of heat - (thought menopause was over some time ago) . I am just feeling physically exhausted - most likely some sort of bug which will ease soon hopefully...not depressed because I am interested in things , whats going on around me - 

Its funny, when I think of the old place at craggy island - its as if there are two me's. The one here and the other one and although I share her memories its as if I have disassociated myself from her feelings - I like it here okay, but I miss the wildness and the skies and the green. We only lived there 5 years - but I guess it was the last place I was with my husband and he died there.

In 2004 we moved from our old place where we had lived 18 years and I sort of did the same to that life - Before they moved the house Don and I went back inside and made a video about our life there and some of the things that happened - this time when I left I did video some of the scenery and all of that but there was no telling happy stories... I am glad to be closer to family, but I wish in a way I had been able to afford to keep the old place - it was just financially unsustainable...

 Can't really go into it in detail as its private stuff  - a few family issues (not with the kids and their husbands thankfully)- and nothing in here is private as many of us have learned to our costs - there are those who don't understand the ethic of allowing privacy - if they can access they will and see nothing wrong with their actions - its low class as far as I am concerned and not the way we were raised. Mum and Dad always allowed us as much privacy as one can have in a house full of kids and a mum and Dad... letters were private and never ever opened. They didn't try to worm their way into your head too much and as long as you didn't do anything too outrageous your inner thoughts wee your own. And as kids and young teens we didn't do anything much to worry them - even if i did runaway from boarding school - I was actually running back to home.

If of course you are afraid your kids are into heavy stuff that could harm them or others then as a parent you have not only a right but a duty to invade the privacy - that's different.

Sometimes in here amongst those I have posted with for quite some years I read others with the same issues - For me in the years after Don was killed - being able to post in here sure beat taking sleeping pills or something else because I just could not sleep for any length of time - And I got a lot of advice, help and support in here - at times much more than from others...
Its a funny thing about "low class" - you can own the world and be "low class" and you can be poor as a church mouse and have real class. I remember many years ago an elderly neighbour who had just met my Mother commented that she was "a real lady" - and I knew what she meant. She was very poor and didn't have good clothes really... the widow's pension which she tried to live on after Dad was killed wasn't adequate and in those days there were almost no jobs for older women nor help in minding the kids still at home. But Mum never acted poor. She never let her dignity go and she was always soft and compassionate - and interested... She had the big house but it was unpainted for years and the roof had begun to rust before she moved over to be near Don and I. From out of this old house would come the sounds of her playing Beethoven on the old piano, and then the old record player would offer Elvis - there were books and comfort - but no waste - I wrote this about my Mother's house back in 1988 before she moved

"My Mother’s House.

An old ginger cat, called Samboy, who dribbles
and soaks in the heat and patting.
A larrikin dog, called Ben, with a strong lust
for life, female dogs, and things that stink a lot -
An old, old house ...
with no paint left on it - but flakes of war time yellow -
Sagging at the seams...

Inside - Colour! Colour! Colour!
The whole spectrum thrown with abandon
amongst the clutter of every item ever made and collectible...
Seemingly chaotic...
but she can put her hand on everything you need,
“Just give me five minutes”.

This then is my Mother’s house now.
No neat prissy brick and tile, with every care taken,
and smelling of a life wasted in endless order and empty heart -

Sometimes here she is happy.
Light shines and laughter warms in girlish giggles from her.
Sometimes she is very unhappy.
She closes from the light and lives inside a cardboard world,
enduring it till it passes...

People with their heads and hearts on backwards
Would never see the charm, warmth and purity
of my Mother’s house."

 and its "charm, warmth and purity" that can't be bought. 
Mum with Ben the mad dog who chewed on exhaust pipes of cars while they were idling!

Mum was about 20 here

Mum was about 43 here - just after Dad was killed - and just noticed she is holding her arms in exactly the same position in both photos - never noticed that before

I think I need to get out of the house right now -


Andrew said...

I would be very surprised if you didn't have feelings such as you describe. It has been such a big change in your life. It is not like moving to the next suburb. And it followed a momentous period in your life. I don't have advice except don't expect too much of yourself.

Middle Child said...

Thanks for that - When I was younger change was easier - baggage - good and bad comes with time - but I realise I am grateful to have this life I do have and its up to me to make the best of it - which I am trying to do - just some days you are thrown back - but for me luckily mainly all the memories are really good - which I guess is what makes it harder...I realise I have been lucky in life to have had what I have - true love - the faery tale - along with all the shit... there was much more good than bad! I wish that for everyone

FoxyMoron said...

I hope you're alright Therese. What Andrew said is so true, so many big changes and I agree it's harder as you get older to adapt to change.

jacqui boyd alden said...

What you are feeling is perfectly normal and why we (Gordon and I) are staying in house which is way way too large for us, now the kids are gone. We just can't face the thought of moving anymore and starting over again, although we will have to do it one day.

As to the sleepiness and hot flushes, get your blood sugar checked. As you know I have been suffering for the last 11 yrs or so with terrible hot flushes. I accepted the fact I was going through menopause, so just lived with it. However, having gone through that stage in life a few year back now, I thought I would investigate it more. Found out it was one of the symptoms of pre diabetes or diabetes and as I knew I was pre diabetic for yrs, decided I needed to finally do something about it. Since I started a low Carb diet in the new year, my flushes have got less and less plus I am sleeping much better. Its is a pain as basically I have had to give up Bread, pasta rice and potatoes but my blood sugars have gone down to almost normal. If I do over indulge with carbs, I notice I do have more hot sweaty periods. As good blog to read is written by a fellow Australian -

Another thing that can cause flushes and lack of sleep are medications for blood pressure and cholesterol. Hopefully as my weight goes down (which is very slow as my metabolism is a the pace of a snail!)I will be on less and less medication.

It will take time to settle but it should be your last move, so you have plenty of time. Hopefully grandkids will follow in time but in the meantime, maybe doing some volunteer work will be a way of coping.

Middle Child said...

Foxy - I am fine - just finding my feet - working on a resume and references (!) need to get going again.

Middle Child said...

Jacqui - thanks for all that - I had my blood sugar checked a month ago - luckily it seems to be consistently good - as well my cholesterol is really good - must be the advocados I love! but I am on BP meds quite a lot and hope as well to cut down on them and weight loss will help that - it just crept up - and when I try to figure out when that began - it was the year my Mum died - and it was so slowly gained - Have maintained since 2007 but losing is hard