Sunday, July 22, 2007

Catching up...finally.

Its taking me some time to catch up with a few blogs of people I like, as my computer is in the "please fixit shop and leave all the settings as I had them". I am sitting now in Don's spot at his computer which feels strange, but nice also. His bench is too high for me as it was built on spec for his wheelchair height so am typing with elbows below the table and fingies in a very uncomfortable position.

I have been slowly going through his documents on his computer, which is something i don't want to do but have to do because already i have found a wonderful letter to a great niece we hadn't met and in it he tells her of some of his childhood stuff, and some that I did not know.

He tells her about riding with his mates at about 12 around the hills just west of Catherine Hill Bay and Swansea.. If I hadn't looked I would have missed this...this letter was so much Don...any young person he would encourage encourage...although he never met her she was real and I believe he would have if time allowed told her heaps about the family, because she had expressed an interest unlike the others.
"Hi Kristee,

Pleased to receive your letter. We had one of the best Christmases this year; we only had Melissa now 32 and Alison 29. We started opening around 10am and finished 3.30. Considering we had a lot of presents to open 3 breaks in-between, nibbles and drinks... a great day all-round.

Next Christmas we will have a full house with Melissa's husband Chris, his Mum and Chris's two brothers. Alison is coming not sure about her friend Andrew. We haven't met Chris's family yet but we are looking forward to it,,, I think ?

You mentioned grade 10 being scary, I could take that a number of ways... one you are getting older, maybe you don't like school, you are not studying enough, or yes it is bloody scary. You will make it ok. Just take one-step at a time... two forward, one back or something like that.

You mentioned camp drafting Jenny did a lot of competition riding, anyway your Dad said you went really well, your Mum and Dad your sister would have been over the moon... winning twice in a row that is really Top stuff. I had two horses but didn’t enter into any competition or professional riding. I was about 12 and living in Swansea when I was given my first horse, and there were about eight other guys in the area that had horses. We would often ride half way around Lake Macquarie, not a fence to be seen, and we would chase brumbies or just go riding on old bush tracks north of Swansea.

And Tayla wanting to start soccer. I played soccer around that age, only for a short period... starting surfing for a few years, until Mum Dad and I went to WA Perth for three months then Port Hedland, 1000 miles north of Perth. We stayed there for 2years that’s a long story next time, if I told it all it would fill pages. That was a part of my life; along with the Snowy, I recall the most, along with Black Water 140 miles west of Rockhampton.

Well Kristee I'll close on this little story... Australia Day was just amazing, I had 3 Flags on my wheelchair; one the back 2 on the front. Therese had one and I had a spare one on my lap, to give away.

We had to go through the shopping complex to where we thought the Australia Day Parade was. Near the entrance, I spotted a little boy about four who was pleased to have a flag. Therese and I had a short talk to him, his mum, dad and his little sister who I hadn't noticed earlier.

We started making our way out and were stopped almost at the exit of the complex by the family we gave the flag to and the boys mum said he and his sister would like to sing a song to us... well he sang the National Anthem from beginning to the end without missing a beat. Well I have to say that really was my best Australia Day. One more thing Therese gave the little girl her flag.
You should receive a Melissa and Chrises wedding invitation soon. Hope to see you all May 19th. That’s it from me. Love Don and Therese.


What he didn't tell her is that both his horses died badly, the one he sat next to as it was in agony after finding it early one morning, and the other was hit by a car...sometimes I think about the things he went through and yet still smiled easily and was interested, always so interested in birds (both sorts!) nature, silly kid stuff and pranks, and kids...he loved and had so much time for little kids. I know some of what he went through in his life...being raped at 10...I didn't find out about that till last year and he was in bed and just started crying saying "How could he do that, I was just a little boy." The "he" was a very close family member (not his dad) someone he loved and trusted. Poor bugger.

He could turn his hand to anything, digging holes all day long knee deep in winter the early days, talking the girls down when things got too much for them at times, and although he did not suffer fools gladly (we all knew that) he had such empathy. Last year I sprained my stupid big toe on a cupboard door...he went into town in the disabled taxi and bough home a little toe splint he found at the Chemist...for me...with all his own pain...hey who needs diamonds? I still have that tumbled out of my over full drawer today and the memories came in waves...

I am lucky because I did appreciate him...

Down the very back of our yard Don found a Satin Bower bird's bower...I had walked past it often because there is a thicket of trees down the back that you can't get into. He got in and found it...then got stuck and couldn't get out...after about an hour (this was 2004) I wondered "where can he be?" I tried to upload his photo but the upload went for ages so i gave up...its an amazing photo.

Today is a really bad day...sorry folks. Even the Bach Flower rescue remedy doesn't seem to be working...Tomorrow will be better I always is...I am not an Aquarian and a Middle Child for nothing.

Some days I just get overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. I came back from the visit to the kids feeling oh so strong and all that crap and will again...

I have been working through the hospital and other records, and the more I know and learn the more it becomes evident that he had no more chance of surviving that doctor's butchery than if he had driven a car at high speed, with no safety belt, on a wet road into a brick wall. It is that strong the stuff I have discovered.

Maybe the Gods just decided we were too happy...hey there has to be a reason for the multiple of errors and bad decisions which led directly to my husband's awful suffering and death. And that is the thing, it was awful...none of us can get it out of our heads as It took 5 weeks to unfold after the initial catastrophe.

I feel that once we get it all together, the girls and I we will handle things better...what has us not handling things is the obvious and calculated cruelty such a sick man was subjected to from people who had a "duty of care" may they rot in hell. When we get it all down and open it up because we have to do this...we have agreed on this easily, we will be able to grieve normally.


Anonymous said...

well, life's a mixture but may you have more good days than bad days, MC. time makes the hurt bearable, that's all.

mirk said...

Don said it himself, "yes it is bloody scary. You will make it ok. Just take one-step at a time... two forward, one back or something like that." good advice, none better!

cs said...

Hey MC:
I read the morning sunday paper and an article caught my eye and i have to send you the link.

So many people in our hospitals are now getting sick, so sick in fact, that many are dying off in the hospitals with not their original complaints, but of super staph bugs (MRSA). The Spokesman-Review has an article titled "Drug-resistant staph on rise" and the link address is:

I hear you honey...some days seem absolutely unbearable. I promise you it will get better...keep posting so we can stay in touch.

As a special ed teacher, you are well aware of the disgusting people out mouth literally hits the ground at some of the comments said to me about my kiddos and my profession...I have to be a good Catholic girl and really bite my tongue and hold onto my fists in my pockets ...I pray often for these "buggers". Love you sister....

Jules said...

I love hearing your words tumble out onto the keyboard. I FEEL your love, your pain, your loneliness, your every feeling. You have a way with words and a way of getting your feelings across that I just love. I know this is raw and heartfelt but I just want you to know that I appreciate you sharing and I am here to listen and help in any way I can.

There are other Bach flowers that can be more specifically pinpointed to the emotions you are feeling now. I could look into it if you want??

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

I agree with Jules.... I love reading your posts... you have so much emotion flowing into everything you write...
I hope you can get thru this grieving process together with your girls in time... And hopefully get the satisfaction you are looking for...
Biggest hugs to you...

Citymouse said...

hang in there and again thanks for sharing

rosemary said...

You were not too were exposed to human arrogance and error in the people you trusted most....those that took care of your life/body.

Cazzie!!! said...

I am coming back to read over this one tonight when all is quiet in this house of mine. Huggs to you my dear.