Isn't he just lovely?

This is the very fearsome doggie Thorn...some have met before. He is getting old, but don't let this sooky picture fool you. He has a bark which puts terror into strangers until he rolls over onto his back and demands with a smile for a ruffle up.

When Don and I were in Sydney some months back, the people minding him gave him the little woollen Bilby (Australian Native animal) as a comfort thing...and he often drags it between his paws at night time...and if not when I put it on him, he stays very still and just lets it stay there for ages.

This dog loves food. What dog doesn't? To the extent of sneaking out when he thinks I have forgotten and trying to eat the "blood and Bone" fertiliser I have put around some plants in the yard...he loves the stink... and he almost crawls in on his belly when I catch him...(sometimes its worth letting him get to him to see his reaction when caught - ooo ahhh - how bad is that?).

He has become so precious - as he gets older. I can see changes in his eyes, his hearing, his back legs...and know that if lucky we will have at most about 2 or 3 years together.

I don't consciously think about or dwell on this, and just mention it in passing, because if animals teach us one precious lesson it is to try to live in the present. They don't worry where the food comes from, and he must think I am a master hunter, especially when I bring him home those huge bones from the butcher.

I don't think I could be with out a dog or cat...

Can't sleep unfortunately. I seem to wake up at about 3.30am every night. I never had a problem before Don died. He would be talking to me and next thing it was morning. Sometimes he said it scared him how quickly I would go to sleep and he couldn't even finish the sentence.

So rather than spend the time trying to sleep with all kinds of shit going on in my head, I did what many of us bloggers do, which doesn't help much when you realise its 6am and time to get up. Can't sleep in the daytime and don't know why because I used to love doing that in my misbegotten youth.

It'll just take time, and the doggie gives me all the time I want.

Something a little different. I came accross these when I was away... they are each only short but worth it... from Austria ...down under!!!

Major Rudy on chemtrails
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pc1uog2nQrQ
Major rudy on fluoride
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqlafaGZyr8
Major Rudy on Depleted Uranium
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ni3Jd3RuqOU
Major Rudy on Torture and media lies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbkpdI_OHcw

My sister Veronica took this photo just after Don's funeral . Its of my little Kiwi niece Tessa and myself colouring in.

She is the prettiest little girl...but then aren't all little kids like this?

I do miss the times I had with our two girls as little kids, we would spend ages doing this stuff...there were no pre schools much then, and you weren't expected to be a rocket scientist, a gourmet chef and a mother all at the same time...slower times...

I think our family needs a new generation of kids, and my eldest Melissa is on notice...she will finally marry this November , after post phoning her wedding which was planned 19th May 07, two days after Don died.

Maybe we humans are like that, seeking new life for the family after death if that makes sense...as if to ward off that shadow of annihilation or something like that.

And yes the glass of De Bertolli Columbard Chardonnay at $15 a cask was delightful.

Strange days really...

Most of the time I have spent looking after the acres we have (only four) but it takes some care... spent today propagating some plants I will plant out soon as spring is coming... Don was the gardener and he pointed...I planted but now I feel I know what to do with the stuff...some plants look like they propagate easily so just whack them in the ground and weeks later the green shoots appear...I seem to know which ones do what by the look of them...lots of people talk about what you should do and not do and as someone said to me today "we used to look at all your little sticks sticking up all over the place and laugh but months later the sticks had green leaves..."

Also I have made myself spend only 2 hours daily trying to get together the stuff on what was done to Don, and the more I read the sicker I feel...which is why I limit myself and then go for a walk out in the clean sunshine...it feels so dirty and wicked. I have gotten a fair way with it all and am in no doubt that he is was just another of the dreadful toll of so called modern medicine..."no responsibility...no consequences...no caring...and we assume we know all" two of my sisters are nurses so it is not as if I am against the nursing as it should be practised...

(Photo of Don from 1975...we were all young once... those muscles don't come from a gym...they come from digging holes and hard work.)

But what I am daily reading and the notes are a huge pile... is that "assumptions " were made without any care to their foundation...and now no one expects any consequences...there will be consequences...this time at least. I will make sure of that. Don would do the same for me and I know this without question.

(A lovely photo just found of Don taken with Melissa in 1975...he was as lovely on the inside as he was on the outside and I know how lucky I was...)

Catching up...finally.

Its taking me some time to catch up with a few blogs of people I like, as my computer is in the "please fixit shop and leave all the settings as I had them". I am sitting now in Don's spot at his computer which feels strange, but nice also. His bench is too high for me as it was built on spec for his wheelchair height so am typing with elbows below the table and fingies in a very uncomfortable position.

I have been slowly going through his documents on his computer, which is something i don't want to do but have to do because already i have found a wonderful letter to a great niece we hadn't met and in it he tells her of some of his childhood stuff, and some that I did not know.

He tells her about riding with his mates at about 12 around the hills just west of Catherine Hill Bay and Swansea.. If I hadn't looked I would have missed this...this letter was so much Don...any young person he would encourage encourage...although he never met her she was real and I believe he would have if time allowed told her heaps about the family, because she had expressed an interest unlike the others.
"Hi Kristee,
Pleased to receive your letter. We had one of the best Christmases this year; we only had Melissa now 32 and Alison 29. We started opening around 10am and finished 3.30. Considering we had a lot of presents to open 3 breaks in-between, nibbles and drinks... a great day all-round.

Next Christmas we will have a full house with Melissa's husband Chris, his Mum and Chris's two brothers. Alison is coming not sure about her friend Andrew. We haven't met Chris's family yet but we are looking forward to it,,, I think ?

You mentioned grade 10 being scary, I could take that a number of ways... one you are getting older, maybe you don't like school, you are not studying enough, or yes it is bloody scary. You will make it ok. Just take one-step at a time... two forward, one back or something like that.

You mentioned camp drafting Jenny did a lot of competition riding, anyway your Dad said you went really well, your Mum and Dad your sister would have been over the moon... winning twice in a row that is really Top stuff. I had two horses but didn’t enter into any competition or professional riding. I was about 12 and living in Swansea when I was given my first horse, and there were about eight other guys in the area that had horses. We would often ride half way around Lake Macquarie, not a fence to be seen, and we would chase brumbies or just go riding on old bush tracks north of Swansea.

And Tayla wanting to start soccer. I played soccer around that age, only for a short period... starting surfing for a few years, until Mum Dad and I went to WA Perth for three months then Port Hedland, 1000 miles north of Perth. We stayed there for 2years that’s a long story next time, if I told it all it would fill pages. That was a part of my life; along with the Snowy, I recall the most, along with Black Water 140 miles west of Rockhampton.

Well Kristee I'll close on this little story... Australia Day was just amazing, I had 3 Flags on my wheelchair; one the back 2 on the front. Therese had one and I had a spare one on my lap, to give away.

We had to go through the shopping complex to where we thought the Australia Day Parade was. Near the entrance, I spotted a little boy about four who was pleased to have a flag. Therese and I had a short talk to him, his mum, dad and his little sister who I hadn't noticed earlier.

We started making our way out and were stopped almost at the exit of the complex by the family we gave the flag to and the boys mum said he and his sister would like to sing a song to us... well he sang the National Anthem from beginning to the end without missing a beat. Well I have to say that really was my best Australia Day. One more thing Therese gave the little girl her flag.
You should receive a Melissa and Chrises wedding invitation soon. Hope to see you all May 19th. That’s it from me. Love Don and Therese.

PS; ROSS RIVER FEVER IS QUITE SERIOUS AND CAN TAKE SOME TIME TO YET OVER. IT SHOULDN'T BE TAKEN LIGHTLY, I HOPE YOUR MUM CAN FIND A GOOD DOCTOR."

What he didn't tell her is that both his horses died badly, the one he sat next to as it was in agony after finding it early one morning, and the other was hit by a car...sometimes I think about the things he went through and yet still smiled easily and was interested, always so interested in birds (both sorts!) nature, silly kid stuff and pranks, and kids...he loved and had so much time for little kids. I know some of what he went through in his life...being raped at 10...I didn't find out about that till last year and he was in bed and just started crying saying "How could he do that, I was just a little boy." The "he" was a very close family member (not his dad) someone he loved and trusted. Poor bugger.

He could turn his hand to anything, digging holes all day long knee deep in winter water...in the early days, talking the girls down when things got too much for them at times, and although he did not suffer fools gladly (we all knew that) he had such empathy. Last year I sprained my stupid big toe on a cupboard door...he went into town in the disabled taxi and bough home a little toe splint he found at the Chemist...for me...with all his own pain...hey who needs diamonds? I still have that packet...it tumbled out of my over full drawer today and the memories came in waves...

I am lucky because I did appreciate him...

Down the very back of our yard Don found a Satin Bower bird's bower...I had walked past it often because there is a thicket of trees down the back that you can't get into. He got in and found it...then got stuck and couldn't get out...after about an hour (this was 2004) I wondered "where can he be?" I tried to upload his photo but the upload went for ages so i gave up...its an amazing photo.

Today is a really bad day...sorry folks. Even the Bach Flower rescue remedy doesn't seem to be working...Tomorrow will be better I know...it always is...I am not an Aquarian and a Middle Child for nothing.

Some days I just get overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. I came back from the visit to the kids feeling oh so strong and all that crap and will again...

I have been working through the hospital and other records, and the more I know and learn the more it becomes evident that he had no more chance of surviving that doctor's butchery than if he had driven a car at high speed, with no safety belt, on a wet road into a brick wall. It is that strong the stuff I have discovered.

Maybe the Gods just decided we were too happy...hey there has to be a reason for the multiple of errors and bad decisions which led directly to my husband's awful suffering and death. And that is the thing, it was awful...none of us can get it out of our heads as It took 5 weeks to unfold after the initial catastrophe.

I feel that once we get it all together, the girls and I we will handle things better...what has us not handling things is the obvious and calculated cruelty such a sick man was subjected to from people who had a "duty of care" may they rot in hell. When we get it all down and open it up because we have to do this...we have agreed on this easily, we will be able to grieve normally.

Back Home

I arrived back home late on Monday. I went out to Wauchope (NSW and did a bit of doggie food (essential) shopping...bought a bunch of native flowers and went out to the beautiful cemetery at Wauchope. It really is beautiful. There are great whispering pines all about it and the sun just strobes gently between them. Out there there is a remarkable sense of peace and beauty... someone must have realised the incredible beauty of this place some time way back and those of us with relatives there appreciate the special feeling of the place. Of course I know Don is not there... I am not that stupid...but for me to go there with flowers, and to sit for a while and contemplate without phones ringing and all of that is good.

Then out to Beechwood (NSW) I know there is a Beechwood in Victoria...and here I found my lovely smiling big red kelpie, the very handsome Thorn...who had became enamoured or the two other kelpies the people had...but not only that he had spent a considerable amount of time pushing a big chubby black and white cat about the place with his nose... but still with all this excitement he was pleased to see me...

I am very fond of this doggie.

So I am back now. I do feel a bit stronger inside. Many tears shed with the girls...so much stuff others don't know about...silly internal family things...

I have begun to work on putting all that happened together...Don deserves that...there may be no justice on earth and we all acknowledge that... but to stop the movie reel inside our heads we are going to try to ensure that no other Quadriplegic is treated like the animal Don's so called "specialist" treated him as. And he did because we saw it and went through the days with him.

But apart from that I had a good time with the girls... Melissa was so sick...sick as a dog...so I left her with a big lamb stew..pearl barley, turnips, swedes, sweet potatoes, potatoes, pumpkin, peas, brussel sprouts about two kgs of diced lamb ( organic) lots of garlic...etc etc etc...and she ate that stew for about three days...she is better now so who knows...might have been mum's cooking or the echinachea or mega vit c....

At Alison's...I w as worried I may have brought the flu with me but not so. So we had a very relaxed time. The highlight of which was FREE! We spent an afternoon at the Art Museum near South Melbourne...It was just amazing. Ancient Egyptian, Sumerian, Greek, Roman stuff just so amazing..and then art from the 13th century down to today. I have to admit I lost interest after about 1900... sorry to all those who appreciate modern art. I do not.

We both went about going "wow!" and meaning it.

So back home now. My lovely Don is everywhere...and I can deal with how I feel. I know he is okay...not suffering...out of the shit so to speak...

Melissa our eldest
is arriving tomorrow with her soon to be husband Chris. I am really so pleased about this as its Don's birthday on the 4th July and I was really dreading it...we always had such a good time on birthdays. Last birthday we went to the Pancake Place...they make really thin crepes with all sorts of vegetables in them....and chicken and salmon whatever. They are just lovely. They always put a really fresh salad with lots of berries and watermelon and other on the side... this place is not a franchise...and inside there are large paintings of flamingos, pelicans, parrots, tropical rainforests cover the walls...its so unusual.

But we are not that sophisticated.

(As you can tell from our " Pirate and Princess" photo shoot

And as you can tell he got a bit "fresh" with his princess and being such a lady I had to set the standards....)

So on Wednesday, we will be taking the very handsome red Kelpie Thorn out to see the two female Kelpies he fell in love with, when we had to go to Royal North Shore Hospital in April May... then back to the cemetary, then Melissa and Chris have bought a bottle of Moet and we will raise a happy birthday toast to the old man. I used to joke that he was 4 years older than me and always would be, but now I will catch up unless I get hit by a Mack Truck or have to go to hospital (shudder) They would have to drag me there my fingernails scraping on the cement sidewalk.

This is how it is...I had been timing myself for Melissa's arrival...was supposed to be today but there was a mix up with the car they are hiring... and try as hard as I could not to I started to bloody cry on the phone to her.

Its like how I am now, any disappointment or whatever seems to be magnified and I seem to have no control over my crying. I don't tend to get embarrassed with the girls, because we are good friends also, but I was embarrassed today, because she is suffering also, and it could not be helped...

I like my own company and Don and I used to rattle about in the house each doing what we liked and often the same things because we had grown in sync...but these winter nights draw in so early...it will be easier in summer.

Any how, on Thursday I am going back to Sydney to spend a few days with Melissa and then on to see youngest (Alison) and back here on the 15th.

Then I have to force myself to take a bit of stock of myself... Don would not want me to just drift, not for too long...

The Terminator cuddling up to the Exterminator...enough to make me want to puke

What good people there are in blog world!

http://jacquiboyd-alden.blogspot.com/ Jacqui suggested that I get back to drawing those "Quick Whipped Up faeries" again...and she is right as I knew but was so bloody miserable I forgot. Music is a bit touchy these days, as every song seems to make me cry...thats the power of music...but art...sketching, applying colours is a quiet sort of meditation or contemplation and have always realised this when I was engaged in it...

so thanks Jaqui, I have begun to post again on my other blog...only two so far...but the faces are back!