What a big sook I am.
I am just so bloody lonely for my lovely Don, its unbelievable. We spent barely a day apart since 1972 and it is so hard to realise that when you do finally close the door and quit the endless "smiling" that he is not there... will never be there. That when I reach over to his pillow he will not be there.
We knew...I mean it was always rammed down our bloody throats "how fortunate we were to still be together" bastards... but we always knew this time would come...but I never really believed it would.
Can't ring the kids again and lay this on them... but the lovely red kelpie Thorn is always good for a pat or two... there are no magic words or a cure...I will miss my wonderful man till the day I die...
There is no part of my adult life in which he did not exist... and I find myself saying out loud "where are you"?... "How can you be gone"? I know all the soul and heaven stuff ... I guess this is just grief and its dark...the house is closed...
(Easter 2006)
all I can say to those of you who have a husband, wife, close friend by your side...tonight... be appreciative of the closeness of each other...despite the little irritations...who snores, or takes the blankets or whatever...
(Don and kiddies a couple of years back)
I know people are much worse off than me right now... "Big Girl's Blouse" but just having trouble rising above the murk right now
17 comments:
Once again a lovely post. I love these images, it brings us all close together, and I wish I could be there to have a cuppa with you and a chinwag....and just chirp away you know.
better to have had a good one who is gone ...
This stage will not wear off for about 4 years, and then one day the cloud will just lift.
You will be OK ... you are OK
tear around the blogs and use them all as psychotherapy.
xxx B
MC, its only been a few weeks so how can you accuse yourself of being a big girl's blouse? Take your time, accept the grief that is rightly yours and if you aren't weeping over the phone to the girls, they will worry something is wrong.
It might, as BWCA, take 4 yrs, it might take a lifetime or it might be whatever time you need, just let it take it course and don't feel guilty about it. It would be unnatural if you didn't feel that way.
One thing that might help are those quick whipped up fairies you do. Art or music is amazing way of using your feeling of lonliness, anger, love, guilt, acceptance etc.
Just keep writing and we will be there for you.
I'm glad you feel you can get on your blog and be honest about how you really feel. Of course you are grieving and you will miss Don until the day you are together once more. That does not make you a sook, that makes you a woman who misses her soul mate and would give anything to see him again.
Talk about it all you want, we will always be here to listen.
Thanks you lot. Sometimes it does take comments from others to put a bit of common sense back into the old noggin...
I'm not sure what a 'sook' is, but as it sounds derogatory, I assure you, you are not one. As everyone else has either said or hinted at, if you didn't feel this way, it'd be odd. *HUG*
Nothing will ever make it seem right middle child,but we do heal..I know you know that.
Above all else, love is unconditional. And it is forever.
And you, my dear, are once again being far too hard on yourself. You've no right to put a time limit on grieving and missing, you know! It will be with you forever, as will Don. But, thankfully, it will ever so slowly become just a bit more bearable over time - but only if given enough patience.
I learn something everyday on the blogs.
Today I learn from Sara above, that 'sook' must be peculiarly Australian vernacular.
So, Sara: a sook is a not quite a 'crybaby', but a someone who needs TLC.
I am 'a sook for animals', so much so that a dear blogger in rural NSW, after I said I was upset by the farm cruelty, has kindly put alerts above any posts where she mentions what i call 'bad animal stuff'.
Bloggers are all so nice. It's OK now though - she has a cafe instead these days. swing by there and see pics of her horse Luke in the kitchen.
Hi MiddleChild - just swinging by to check on you. Happy Trails.
I just found your blog via Wanna_b_slim.... my heart aches for you mate.... but it does get better over time , as I'm sure a million people have already told you. Just wanted to say, hang in there, and remember the wonderful life you had with your darling Don. *BIG HUGS*
You need time and lots of it and love and lots of it and family....share what you can with your girls....they may be feeling they can't share with you either and the 3 of you can heal together. You know, after Don passed away, I told Steve about your sad journey and we both felt like we had the needed jolt to appreciate each other more. So, in a way, Don has already helped one couple.
I have lost my grandparents and I felt so much emptyness thru that..so I can only begin to imagine what it is like losing your life partner.. Has made me sit back and think.. Thankyou so much for expressing yourself here... Big hugs to you...
Ah, thanks for the explanation, Bwca.
sweet and sour, yin and yang, life is full of pleasure and pain but, just at the moment, MC, one side outweighs the other and we all wish we could take some of the hurt away. but we can't. all we can do is be with you.
charlie
I had a call from the respite care centre and said the same thing about people being worse off than me but was told not to think like that as every situation was different and I am allowed to feel what I want without guilt.
I love the pictures of you and Don and Don and the girls. What a happy bunch! And yes, it is so easy to take our loved ones for granted. I can only imagine how much you miss Don. But I do believe he is with you, and when the grief subsides a bit, when the sun shines in and the house is open, you'll feel him next to you again. You two had a very special bond that death cannot dissolve.
I've been so wrapped up in my own daily things I'm belated in offering my condolences much to my shame.
Times like this leave me only with the ability to look to the grieving and search for words of comfort that always seem less than adequate.
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
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