Thursday, July 23, 2009

Got the Blues I think.
I almost never get the blues... all though the years when there were some pretty big hits, all through the miserable suffering Don was put through and then his death... grieving for him over the past two years...I never actually got down. There were many tears and railing against the system which killed him, railing against the system which denied he, the girls and I any justice...and when I went through the emotions I always came back stronger. Each day for me, since I can remember has been like the first day. I love mornings and I mean early mornings. I am very annoying first thing in the morning, because I just hop out of bed before sparrow fart and my mind is clear and working better than it does for the rest of the day.

But the past few days, and I know what bought it on, its like a real pall has been over me. I was handling things well I thought, even though there have been serious issues with some family members, thankfully not my children -
Thank God for my kids.

What I fail even at my age to understand about human nature is that some people can say the words of family and concern and mean not one bit of it, nor have true compassion and empathy. Its like they can say all the words but thats all they are. There are no actions which back the verbal diarrhoea.

Don and I stood together against some pretty big things and sometimes it was frightening but together we seemed to always get it right. In a way I felt really strong with him there. He was such a man - taking responsibility, being honest, and maybe because of his own suffering actually feeling and showing true compassion for anyone he thought was a bit down.

Its just all knocked the wind out of my sails for the time, and unsure how to feel normal again - whatever that is, who to believe, who to trust.

Some injustices - needs must - have to be left till the great hereafter. One thing I have learnt after living with Don in the manner we did, never knowing would he wake up in the morning, was to make peace with each other at the end of the day; to lie in bed together and talk for hours at times, reflect on the day, tell funny stories, be silly...

bugger it...a better day tomorrow I hope.

3 comments:

cs said...

The blues will turn to pinks soon enough...you are missing your best mate and there is no getting around it dear friend. He was quite the special man---gave so much and was so much more alive than most--even now. hugs

Anne said...

I know my sister after 8 years without her man still and will always have days like this.

Middle Child said...

CS and Anne - you guys make me cry you are so wonderful...so pleased to know such good people.