Thursday, April 30, 2009

Staying sane I hope.

Since handing over my manuscript to the journalist, I have spent every hour I can going over and over the 200 plus pages. Every time I do I find more mistakes, and every time I correct them or make a sentence stronger or clearer, I am forced to relive what was done to Don.


Some of you know, but apart from Don who only has my voice to record, I am the only one who knows just how monstrous it was. People who know just the bit you can explain are horrified and sometimes unbelieving. But I carry within me the whole of what I know was done to him, and imagine how much worse it would have been when I was not there. Some mornings he was in absolute terror and would not let certain people touch him...others he was fine with.




The last time I was with Melissa she took me into her bedroom and told me about a picture she had bought. As she turned it round I knew exactly why she had stopped in the street. Poor kid. She said to me this picture was "how Dad felt inside all those five weeks." Its by Michelangelo. The face has a mix of horror, anger, desperation, pain, disbelief...an on and on.


The manuscript will be published and should you read it, the sad thing is you may wish you never did. I know now why he was forcibly kept alive. the big $$$$ are Research, and any abuse justifies this they think.


So on Wednesday I was in a particularly dark part of the manuscript, and I wrote this,
"Sometimes as I rewrite and re edit this I wonder can I go on with this. The sun shines outside, and there is a tinge of cool in the air. I persevere because until I expose what happened to Don, I can not walk in the sunshine, not be lighthearted, nor have any sort of life at all. The damage inside me is deep but I know and have faith that out of what I am going through, and out of what Don was put through something really good will emerge, and that if there is the will there, things may improve just a bit. I don’t have a choice but to keep going, to see this through. To turn away now would be to condemn myself to only half a life and I know that it would be this which would break my wonderful Don’s heart. I know he would want me to live, to walk in the sunshine, to be happy again. But sometimes when the spirit is weakened by reliving it is so hard. I have to remind myself how strong I am, how wonderful our family was and will be again. I know that by persevering, I can begin the healing for not only myself but for our daughters."


I found myself outside in the late afternoon sun after writing this and I was just sobbing outloud, because it has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, reliving over and over so as to make it readable for others...clear for others, enabling it to be published. I was dragging branches to the big pile in the middle of the paddock, for burning in winter...practical life goes on. It was just so achingly beautiful all round me that I lost it again...but found it in double quick time when in amongst the branches was the largest blackest red belied Black Snake, sunning himself in the last rays of the sun. He was as thick as my wrist...I can tell you I walked the acre back to the house, very quietly and for much of the way backwards. Not a tear to be seen.... nor a sob to be heard..needs musy.


Sometimes wonder if Don might have a thing or two to do with events which bring me out of tears...but then again could have just been a snake... he'd be perverse enough to make me wake up to myself this way...


Don't worry that I am depressed by all of this...most of the time I am okay, interested in the girls' lives, their relationships, in the lives of my sisters, and friends, and you lot...but as I get closer to finishing the editing and the manuscript gets stronger, that part of it, the remembering things half forgotten takes some can just overwhelm me.

23 comments:

Mal's Team Gherkin said...

[[[hugs]]]

Middle Child said...

Mal...thanks for that...needed. Will be able to check in on you all more regularly now ...hope things have been okay for you

Andrew said...

And don't forget you are doing it for for other people in the future too. I think you must have had some success already by at least making people think about the actions.....before they justify themselves.

Cazzie!!! said...

Therese, Andrew is so right there with his comment, and they were my thoughts almost exactly. I am hanging onto what you say, and would be more than happy to read what you end up with. I will email you something I read last night at work whilst working on CCU..well, not the thing I read, just the gist of the issue in the paper I read. It made me think of you and Don and the girls..and I was glad I went to break after that..as I almost cried.
Therese, Im am so glad you livein such a lovely place, a sacred place to you and of Don's. Your perserverance will pay off.
Huggs :)

Mom said...

Thank you for your perseverance. We all need to read Don's story.
Blessings my friend
Sue

cs said...

HI MC...still here...home sick...bombed my big test...and now getting a pink slip...just trusting in God with all my heart...healing prayers for you sweetie

Random Thinker said...

MC - your story is such an important story and it has to be told. For you and for Don. People need to understand that these actions affect good, honorable people like your Don and that families are never the same when they are gone. Keep the faith sister... you are doing such a good thing.

Mal's Team Gherkin said...

I can only send you [[[positive encouraging hugs]]] because, stuck here behind a monitor, there's not a lot else I can do! Apart from my feelings of helplessness sitting here, i need you to know that ur not alone in your journey, OK?

Middle Child said...

Andrew you are right...there have been quite a few changes to RNSH "procedure" as a result of my actions...especially for those arriving from the country with complex medical conditions as with Don...the thing is do they remember to follow protocol. nothing i saw inside RNSH gives me any confidence that they run on anything apart from flight or fight...but maybe what has been achieved already will have helped one person already...then its worth it.

Middle Child said...

cazzie...thanks... I know you understand... I do my best to praise the good doctors, nurses, physios and wardsmen and women who treated don with kindness...none of them had any ID at all so I have to do it by description...but hope when it is published they know who they are. they have my eternal gratitude.

Middle Child said...

Mom, thanks..you will read it...and hopefully it will help all who have to deal with or work inside major hospitals

Middle Child said...

Random Thinker...it has more relevance after reading your story about your mum...believe it or not she was lucky

Middle Child said...

CS have been wondering how you were...whill have a look over at your blog...take care okay

Middle Child said...

Mal..thanks again...today a better day!!!

Ann oDyne said...

Hi Therese - I love you for recognising Don would send a
snake-in-the-sun to snap you out of a dark place. he bloody would.

Of course, in the winter when you can light the stack, snaky will slither OUT of that woodpile pretty damn fast, so be wearing ya gumboots.

Much love, as always, h

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

Therese.. I am glad it was you and not me that spotted the snake.. I would have gone to water for sure!!
I think you have done an amazing job with your book and all you have done to try and open everyones eyes to what those b@#tards did to your Don...
I have just caught up on a few of your posts... How did your youngest Daughters results go? I have everything crossed they went as you have planned...
Take care lady... And altho you may be lonely... you will never really be alone... You are loved by many many people..

rosemary said...

Don would want you to be strong of voice I think and stand up for what is right whether it was to tell his story....or yours. because after all....he was not on his journey alone.

Middle Child said...

Ann O Dyne...he bloody well would send a snake...I just hope I don't become stupid without him. we fired off each other much of the time, and just the flick of an eyebrow could sent me into fiots of laughter or have me looking about warily...

Wanna Be Slimmer First my daughter's biopsies were clear...sigh! Re turning to water in front on a large snake...doesn't happen...when you are it you have to think survival...which meant being calm and walking abckwards slowly...you'd do it too.
Re being lonely... I know I have you guys, my lovely daughters, two good sisters, a close friend...so I am not lonely for people...just for the one person.

Rosemary You are right and very wise ...being a couple if a journey...one journey and we need to remember what marriage or being together really means...

Anne said...

Reliving that time in your life must be so emtional. You are doing it for Don, his sstory needs to be told. **hugs** take care

MeHereNow said...

((hugs))

Sorry I've been absent for so long but I promise I thought of you often.

You are an amazing woman who has the need,drive and ability to follow this through to the end.

Sara said...

You may hurt some feelings, but you're making life better for the future patients of your country. I would say that's definitely not depressing.

Middle Child said...

Anne...It has to be done and I have no choice...must bemore careful around snakes though.

Me here Now...I am as wwith most of us quite ordinary...I do feel overwhelmed about what I have started

Sara The only onew who will be hurt will recognise themselves...may help them...maybe not...I just hope for a better outcome for the next poor bastard in their "care"

FoxyMoron said...

I haven't been able to get onto blogs to read, not sure why but I found away around it and am catching up.

I feel for you so much, for what you are going through,and what you went through, and what Don went through. I hope having all of us to care about you helps in some little way.