I had a visit from the Kiwi connection in our family.
My youngest sister Jackie who is eleven years younger than I am and her three kids and husband. What a shame Mum and dad never got to meet these three little blondies - as wild as anything coming out of the South Island of New Zealand could be.
I had trouble holding little Isaac who is only three..I think he's going to be a bruiser when he grows up...He was looking at a photo of our two kids as babies and I told him that they were my babies. He looked all concerned and said "Where are your babies?" i told him that they had all grown up and moved away and showed him a photo of them. He looked at me so sadly and said very seriously "But you could get more babies" He looked a bit confused when I said maybe I'd get them out in the paddock, till I realised he didn't know what a paddock was...so changed that to out in the yard. He looked at me as if I'd lost my marbles and said "Nahh, not out in the yard!" Shit I always thought they came from out in the yard or somewhere as a kid - still do.
Little Lauren and Tessa were lovely and I spent an afternoon drawing with them when the parents were down the street.
It was bizarre at first as Jackie and Mike hadn't been here since Don's funeral, and in the first day or two no mention was made of Don unless I raised it. I felt terribly lost seeing them as a couple. Its hard to get used to not having the back up of being a couple. Little Tessa broke that by saying to me quietly one day "Were's your Don." and I told her straight and simple. Kids know how to do this stuff better than we do.
I had a lot of trouble being with them for very long. Like I am good for an hour or two but then I stop and have to force responses. I know that there's been real damage done and I may have become a bit of a hermit - that happens when the world scalds you and its judged as acceptable - you have to retreat to lick your wounds and heal - animals do it.
Anyhow I got there. I feel a bit bad because I couldn't really connect with my sister much, but we did on the last two nights as I put on some home videos of her and Don and our family being silly and playing dressups. I felt an ease come into me at least and her I feel.
I just don't have anymore to give out right now.
Lauren made me the lovely pom pom I have around my neck, a most heartfelt gift
I am pleased they came and sorry I couldn't be more spontaneous. I felt like I needed back up, because when theres just one and you get a tribe of visitors it can feel like hard work making the merry go round turn. But I don't think they felt this way.
I am a bit down lately, a terrible nightmare last night which has unnerved me and have to deal with. May have a publisher for the book I am into, may not - it might all fall down.
The photos are good because they are light filled and family is important. I think I may be just a bit lost right now. better find myself again soon. Its so beautiful out here, but gets freaky when you don't see people much - I guess what it is is that I'm not lost because not having people about me, just not having one person and I can't change that and have to come to terms Sorry about the gloomy thought train.