Friday, August 08, 2008

I had a visit from the Kiwi connection in our family.

My youngest sister Jackie who is eleven years younger than I am and her three kids and husband. What a shame Mum and dad never got to meet these three little blondies - as wild as anything coming out of the South Island of New Zealand could be.

I had trouble holding little Isaac who is only three..I think he's going to be a bruiser when he grows up...He was looking at a photo of our two kids as babies and I told him that they were my babies. He looked all concerned and said "Where are your babies?" i told him that they had all grown up and moved away and showed him a photo of them. He looked at me so sadly and said very seriously "But you could get more babies" He looked a bit confused when I said maybe I'd get them out in the paddock, till I realised he didn't know what a paddock changed that to out in the yard. He looked at me as if I'd lost my marbles and said "Nahh, not out in the yard!" Shit I always thought they came from out in the yard or somewhere as a kid - still do.

Little Lauren and Tessa were lovely and I spent an afternoon drawing with them when the parents were down the street.

It was bizarre at first as Jackie and Mike hadn't been here since Don's funeral, and in the first day or two no mention was made of Don unless I raised it. I felt terribly lost seeing them as a couple. Its hard to get used to not having the back up of being a couple. Little Tessa broke that by saying to me quietly one day "Were's your Don." and I told her straight and simple. Kids know how to do this stuff better than we do.

I had a lot of trouble being with them for very long. Like I am good for an hour or two but then I stop and have to force responses. I know that there's been real damage done and I may have become a bit of a hermit - that happens when the world scalds you and its judged as acceptable - you have to retreat to lick your wounds and heal - animals do it.

Anyhow I got there. I feel a bit bad because I couldn't really connect with my sister much, but we did on the last two nights as I put on some home videos of her and Don and our family being silly and playing dressups. I felt an ease come into me at least and her I feel.

I just don't have anymore to give out right now.

Lauren made me the lovely pom pom I have around my neck, a most heartfelt gift

I am pleased they came and sorry I couldn't be more spontaneous. I felt like I needed back up, because when theres just one and you get a tribe of visitors it can feel like hard work making the merry go round turn. But I don't think they felt this way.

I am a bit down lately, a terrible nightmare last night which has unnerved me and have to deal with. May have a publisher for the book I am into, may not - it might all fall down.

The photos are good because they are light filled and family is important. I think I may be just a bit lost right now. better find myself again soon. Its so beautiful out here, but gets freaky when you don't see people much - I guess what it is is that I'm not lost because not having people about me, just not having one person and I can't change that and have to come to terms Sorry about the gloomy thought train.
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Caroline said...

I (now) know all about living in a place of astounding beauty, but feeling pretty ho-hum about it. Cows are OK, but people are a bit more interesting. I've done enough of the hermit thang. Having a safe-haven to retreat to is a must, but isolation when not necessarily sought or planned is not good. Toughing it out alone is hard and one needs to be in peak emotional and physical condition to do it and gain anything from it.

jacqui said...

The next visit will be a much better one as you have gotten over the hurdle of the elephant in the room, so to speak.

I was reading a blog I regularly visit of a young guy who lose his wife to cancer about 10 months ago. He is about the same stage of grief that you are and the loneliness of his situation is just hitting him as well. It makes me want to read "On death and dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross again. She had been working with the dying and the survivors on a thesis and realised from talking to them, that a pattern emerged in the way people deal with grief. It’s a very enlightening book

The kids look like they enjoyed being with Auntie Therese. Pity they can't visit more, nothing like the young to keep the old from going senile!

Is the book going to be about your fight for Don? Once that is done will you please get the fairies publish, you are definitely on to a winner there, your fairies are the wickedest, funniest, kindest fairies of the entire world

Anne said...

Have to love how children are so open and honest. They are gorgeous kids.

Thought I would mention my younger sister was widowed while only in her 40's. I know and could recognise some of the stages she went through. Still hard to believe our BIL is no longer with us.

Middle Child said...

Caroline. I agree 110%

Jacqui - I have that book and read it ages ago - may need to have a reread. Senile ! ha! Yes Jacqui I will. Don wanted me to do that he had a lot of faith in me - so I will do this. They are fun and have saved me from many dark moments

Anne Thanks Ann - it comes and goes and then comes nack with a venegance...