Sunday, January 06, 2008

The Extremely dangerous Australian Hoop Snake... more likely to attack Pommies than Kiwis, but not all that bright.

The snake you are looking at may not be plane safe!If Samuel L. Jackson saw this, claim that he did not look like a bitch. Otherwise, continue to read it until your snake urges are sated.
Australia is home to millions of species capable of eradicating the human race (and lots of other races) from the face of this planet and the planet from which our alien ancestors came. Perhaps the most dangerous of all is the Hoop Snake.
1 Sciency Stuff
2 Attacks!
3 Living in Your Community
4 Method of Attack
5 Avoiding Attacks
6 First Aid

Sciency Stuff
The Hoop Snake, or Oxyuranus Hulaii, is found throughout the Australian continent. It, like all other snakes, is a reptile and therefore is cold blooded. As everyone knows, the best killers are cold blooded killers. As everyone doesn't know, the Hoop Snake is the animal which gave rise to this adage.
On approximately 11 October each year, Australia's Hoop Snakes migrate to Byron Bay in New South Wales to breed. Male and female Hoop Snakes have approximately 50 partners during the next few weeks. These partners are chosen randomly by the females. The Males all put their car keys in a large fruit bowl and the blindfolded females take it in turns to take a set of keys from the bowl. The male who owns the car keys is then allowed to have his way with the female before having his keys returned to him. He is then able to return to his hotel if he needs a break or return his keys to the bowl if he is a real man with some stamina.
The Hoop Snake is born as an egg. The mother snake then sits on the egg for approximately 4 weeks, occasionally making the 4 mile trek to the ocean to hunt krill to maintain its body fat reserves. When the eggs hatch the baby snakes come out and they look so cute with their big round eyes and their forked, sticky-outy tongues.
Approximately 4 weeks after hatching the snakes all return to their designated Housing Commission flats around Australia where they wait until next year's orgy.
The Hoop Snake lives, on average, for about 9 years before being run over by me in my car.
The hoop snake is so deadly for 3 reasons:
1. Its ability to live unsuspected in the community until the time is right for an attack; and
2. Its unusual method of attack.
3. It's an Australian snake. What the fuck else do you need to know?
Living in Your Community
An entire family of Hoop Snakes could be living in your street and you wouldn't even know it. They could even be living right next door to you, or even be your own family. Beware! Be alert and alarmed, people.

Method of Attack
The Hoop Snake's attack works best from uphill. A Hoop Snake will wait at the top of a hill, mountain or even slight incline. It will wait until an unsuspecting victim walks past below doing something innocent and unsuspecting like going to the shops to buy some bread or walking around looking for cars to steal.
When the hoop snake spies its victim it bites its own tail to form the eponymous hoop. It then begins to roll towards the victim. With undulations of its muscular body it gains speed and momentum at an exponential rate. Before long it is careening headlong towards the unsuspecting victim who has just managed to get their jemmy down beside the car window.
At the last moment the snake lets go of its tail and hurtles through the air with its 5-inch fangs bared and pointing towards the victim's buttocks.
The fatal venom is administered and the victim is generally dead so quickly they manage only to say, "Holy shit. What the fuck was tha..." before collapsing on the ground.
The Hoop Snake then administers anitvenom to itself for the bite on its own tail. This is the most expensive part of being a Hoop Snake so the snake will generally go through the victim's pockets looking for money and credit cards which it can use to get more antivenom.
Most who have ever experienced a personal attck from a hoop snake have all experienced a strange yellow/brown liquid in their pants. None interviewed knew what it was, but with ever advancing scientific information, some have claimed that it is a human defence system. Some have suggested that this liquid could be the essential factor in a vaccine. Much of this liquid has been scrped out for further testing, and some volenteers drink this liquid for a build up of the immune system.
Avoiding Attacks
It is almost impossible to avoid being attacked by a Hoop Snake. They attack. It's just what they do. You can, however, learn and practise taking evasive action when the Hoop Snake does attack. School children in Australia are routinely interrupted for Hoop Snake Drills during class, just in case.
The Hoop Snake relies on downhill slopes and the force of gravity to make its attacks. For this reason the best method of defence is a good offence. If you see a Hoop Snake rolling towards you, start running back uphill towards it. At just the right moment, step to the side like you're dodging a tackle from Glen Lazarus. The Hoop Snake will fly past you. Once it is downhill from you, you are safe. Timing is the most important factor here. Too late and you're dead. Too early and you're dead. Just right and you live to tell the tale. Practice makes perfect and there are plenty of Australian corporations that provide Hoop Snake training equipment so that you don't have to practice with the real thing.
First Aid
If you or a loved one do get bitten then you're probably going to wonder what you should do. The answer is that there is nothing you can do. Administer the last rites or whatever it is that your particular god demands of you prior to the extinction of your pathetic little life. You're a goner, mate.
Note: Please see Pogo Snake.
Retrieved from ""


Jules said...

Is this a real snake?? I'm confused, probably due to lack of sleep and vomit inhalation.

Sling said...

wow..Drop bears and hoop snakes..Oh, My!
You Aussies have some pretty strange critters runnin' around..Much like our American Baldersnatch.A 6 foot flightless bird that lays it's eggs in your hair while you sleep,and then drinks all your beer!

Citymouse said...

Geeesss and I thougth an Aussie exchange year would be GOOD for my kids! I think we better look at Iran!

Middle Child said...

Jules... of course it is....why would I lie?

Middle Child said...

Jules...would I lie to you... of course its real, but it chas a preference for Pommies most so move in next to some for safety.

Middle Child said...

Sling, a Baldersnatch... so to stop it laying its eggs one would be wise to be bald... is that why its called a Baldersnatch

Middle Child said...

City mouse... Iran...but surely you know the most dangerous animal of all creation lies under the soil of Iran...its called OIL!

Ann O'Dyne said...

Ha! perfect.