Sunday, January 06, 2008

The Drop Bear.
When the kids were little Don used to regale us all with tales from the interior and scare them with tales of the dangerous Drop bear and even worse the Hoop Snake. He took great delight in especially telling visitors from Pommie Land about our wildlife... being less sophisticated those days I believed his tales, as he had travelled so widely... but later on had my doubts about their veracity. You could have knocked me down with a feather when after all this time Alison sent me these articles... you have to go online to see the photos of these dangerous animals who are responsible for many touristy disappearances. See the links right down the bottom end...

He was spot on after all. Now I am wondering if the tales he told the kids about the giraffe that was housed in an old shed but could only be seen by him was true also...


You should be also beware of the Hoop snake especially if you are moving over here from New Zealand Jules... see next post okay...as you are moving here soon, and it frequents the east coast of Australia you should be forewarned...
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An adorable baby Drop Bear
This article may be Overly Australian. Pommies may
not understand funny stuff, only humour. Canucks and Yanks may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing and she'll be fine, mate!
“God's first attempt at chibby action.”
~
Oscar Wilde on Drop Bear

The Drop Bear (Koalas Droppii v. terroraustralis) is a totally (censored)
Australian marsupial. Some claim that it is entirely derived from Aboriginal folklore and supposed 'fossil evidence'. Others claim that the source of this reputedly farcical animal can be traced to real-estate agent Larry Kingship. According to some sources, Kingship would dress up as a drop bear in order to scare off people who might be interested in purchasing the old Goldstream Hotel. Apparently he wanted to buy the land at a deflated price in order to stake a claim to the gold filled riverbed that ran through the grounds. This attempt was reputedly foiled by a team of medaling kids and their lovable dog. After their investigation the surviving member escaped her bonds and walked through the Australian desert for three days. There is no information about her current whereabouts or whether she retains evidence of Drop Bear bites. (Citation not required)
Kingship's Drop Bear was reported to be more like a kangaroo than a koala. Its call, which sounded something like ‘oogity boogitdy’, resembled neither. A journalist questioned Kingship about the lack of his Bear's similarity to the original sketches in the mythical Captain Cook's almost equally mythical diary. (Note: Some learned sources insist that one or other of these items is not entirely mythical.) Kingship was reported to have said, "What? I was impersonating your mum." Unfortunately the interview was adjourned when shots were fired and the truth of his assertion cannot be confirmed.
Scientists, naturalists, Australians and God have tried to fake evidence for the existence of this animal in antiquity by planting fossils, rewriting history, starting rumours and inventing folk mythology. The creation of the internet put a stop to this nonsense as there are now multiple and easily accessible testimonials that drop bears do in fact not exist, and that they do so in company with Hitler’s supposed ‘concentration camps’ and the 9/11 attacks on the God-fearing American theofasocracy.

Contents
[
hide]
1 Important Information
1.1 Physical Appearance
1.2 Habitat
1.3 Prey
2 Prevention of Drop Bear Attacks
3 See also
4 External link

[
edit] Important Information
It is important that people tell prospective travelers to Australia that there will be many attempts made to warn them about these animals. It is possible that they may fail to be taken in by the cleverly placed danger signs, animal watch tours and plausible zoo enclosures. Some overseas visitors have been told that officials have been known to pay a hobo to put on a specially created suit and impersonate a Drop Bear in the zoo grounds. Other personnel have stated that this could be considered as highly irresistible behavior while others have not made themselves available for comment.
There have been recent reports of evidence that Drop Bears once lived in Indonesia. According to the reports, these spurious Bears were an even larger version of the modern Australian version. Evolutionists and abortionists will tell you this is because the ancestors of Indonesian Drop Bears are related to the ancestors of the devolved Australian bear. Abortionists assert that the Bears originated on the Indonesian islands because these are mere stepping stones off the Australian mainland and contain Australia's nearest Bahasa Indonesia speakers. You may wish to consider most of these assertions to be absolute lies.
The reports of the existence of a Giant American Drop Bear (see image far below) should not be taken seriously.
Physical Appearance


One of the larger varieties of drop bears. The People travelling in this car were listening to rap music which is the mating call for the drop bear.
Drop Bears resemble Koalas, with several noticeable differences:
Koalas do not grow up to 2m in height.
Koalas do not have sharp claws or teeth. (Used for bark or meat)
It is unlikely for a
Koala to have a tail.
Drop Bears do not have pouches.
Drop Bears do not photograph well.
Koalas will not give birth to a Rudd love child.
Compared with Koalas, which some authorities insist are close relatives of these creatures, Drop Bears are usually browner in colour, ranging from dark brown to darker brown. They have short, thick, curls of fur, and a single digit on each paw. The digit terminates in a long claw-like retractable nail. This makes them especially good at eye-gouging and slicing open the skin of their prey (a practice which can facilitate growth of particularly virulent strains of swamp-borne infection).
Rare sightings of Drop Bears on terra firma (ie, not in trees) lend credence to the suggestion that the Drop Bear's unusual lack of digits makes it very difficult for the animal to gesticulate like a
human being. Nevertheless, this deficit does not prevent the Bears from trying to emulate this action as best they can. That this can sometimes be quite successful is supported by a report [citation required] of a Drop Bear who appeared to be attempting to copy Chris Warbol. [Link required to explanation or expose of Chris Warbol.]
[
edit] Habitat
The Common Drop Bear is usually to be found in the Tall Forests of
Victoria and South Australia. Drop Bears are also known to inhabit the Mangrove Swamps of the Northern Territory and Queensland. The animals like to spend most of the time in the tree tops. This gives them a good launching spot for a drop upon unsuspecting prey, an activity which led to their common name. Drop Bears are notoriously hard to spot whilst in their natural habitat as their fur camouflages well with the olive grey hue of the foliage. [Note: other variations of Drop Bear have been recorded with characteristics which are more suited to their differing habitats. These include the rare Snow Drop Bear (white fur) and the Lesser Aquatic Drop Bear (mottely blue)]

[
edit] Prey
The primary prey of Drop Bears are unsuspecting tourists, often
Welsh or German but usually US American or Japanese. It is commonly understood that the Bears favour those with cameras, due to the entrancing reflection of the sun's rays from the glass lenses on a typical Aussie scorcher of a day. It is not true that Drop Bears are merely mesmerized by their reflections in the instruments or harbour a conscious or unconscious desire to be photographed. There is no truth in the rarely misquoted assertion that they wish to be "at one with the lens".
Other factors are responsible for causing the natives of some countries to be more attractive then others to Drop Bears. When lost in the Australian bush, German tourists are known to excrete a musky odour (apparently a fear response) which has been shown to attract Drop Bears from up to 5km (approx 3 miles) away.
Although the Drop Bears are attracted to light they, like their similarly sozzled koalic cousins, are often too drunk or too hung over to handle an excess of it. Fortunately this factor, coupled with the sometimes predictable nature of the Australian climate, keeps Drop Bears contained to the tree tops in most situations. A carefully pointed camera may catch one arsing around up there or placidly enjoying the gum juices.



Rare photo of a gorged Drop Bear.This particular bear is 12ft tall and American. See earlier disclaimer.

It is a commonly held misconception that Drop Bears are vicious
Vampires. Whilst a sub-species of marsupial almost identical in appearance to the Drop Bear has been reported to display vicious tendencies upon contact with Homo Sapiens, the true Drop Bear is just as often gentle and tender as it is aggressive. Because of this inexplicable fluctuation of mood Drop Bears are considered unpredictable and 'dangerous'. It is, however, widely rumoured that the aggression of native Australian Drop Bears is increasing in both scale and sophistication. Recently cited examples of Drop Bear activity include Schapelle Corby's first name and (surprisingly unrelated) her incarceration for drug trafficking (having allegedly packed her boogie-board bag). Other reported activities include the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami, Gretel Killeen and Prime Minister John Howard's anus, rectum and left buttock, colloquially and collectively referred to as "Alexander Downer". (This site disclaims all responsibility for this.)
It should be noted that the official research arm of the Australian Government, the
CSIRO, is currently investigating claims of increased aggression in the Drop Bear population of Pine Gap. An unpublished paper [citation required] allegedly found elevated levels of G-23 Paxilon Hydrochlorate in the tissues of (*cough*) ...subdued... Drop Bears. If confirmed, the implications of this discovery would be absolutely devastating for the Australian economy, for the morale of the populace and for sporting event telecast rights. The implied reason for this conclusion is that it would confirm Joss Whedon is, in fact, a Drop Bear. And a cute one, too.
Drop Bears have had some devastating effects on the environment. Central Australia now consists of vast tracts of treeless desert due to the voracious appetites of the local Drop Bear population coupled with the dearth of American tourists and escaped Boat People in the area. This has increased carbon dioxide levels to highly predictable proportions. Scientists have noted that there is now a large whole in the ozone layer above Australia.
In recent times, Drop Bears have been forced to move into urban areas due to deforestation. In 2003, fatalities due to Drop Bear attacks reached a devastating high when the population of
Adelaide was completely wiped out. After the attacks, a Drop Bear sanctuary was created on the site of the former city, and 90% of Australia's Drop Bear population was moved here and put under the rule of the Kintiser. Sadly, the sanctuary was not to last. In February of 2005, the Kintiser was assassinated by 500 drop bears and Queensland stole the last drop of water from the River Murray. Once again, the Drop Bears were deprived of their main water supply. The Drop Bears protested this outside Parliament house in Canberra, where they were unjustly accused of being illegal immigrants and promptly deported to the Phillipines. It was thought prudent not send them in the same facilities housing illegal boat people as these individuals have been already been targeted as a major food source for the animals. It is rumoured that the remaining 10% of Drop Bears are currently lobbying the Australian government to acknowledge their fellow furries' right to full citizenship and to return them to the land of their birth. However this rumor appears to be a little far-fetched.
Other little known facts about Drop Bears are that they have a top speed of 400km/h, can eat a human in 1/100 of a second and incubate their offspring in the human male. While the latter fact is heavily disputed it would not be wise to be near a Drop Bear in mating season, especially if you are a male.
[
edit] Prevention of Drop Bear Attacks
Preventing attacks from Drop Bears can be easy (and fun) if you know how.
Avoid walking under trees. If for some bizarre reason you feel a compelling urge to walk under every tree you see, attempt to avoid the chainsaw of natural selection by lying down under trees and spitting upward. Drop Bears will typically spit back down at you. If you successfully detect a Drop Bear - Move. Quickly.
Rub Toothpaste (non-gel type) behind your ears. Drop Bears cannot abide the smell of toothpaste. Do not fall for the common mistake of rubbing Vegemite behind your ears: that's just silly. Stick to the toothpaste! Do not be lured by the misconception that rubbing the shit of an Australian politician behind your ears will prevent attack. It may stink but it's full of bullshit!
Drop Bears have been known to be allergic to submachine gun rounds. It would be a good idea to carry a submachine gun on your next camping trip.
Play all the
Kid's Bop series of CDs continuously if you are anywhere near Drop Bear territory. Drop Bears are inclined to drop on children because their anal teeth can easily digest one so small. However, a whole platoon of screeching children is quite a different matter all together (YOU try shoving a platoon of pre-teens up your ass and see hows' you like it).


Drop bear proof resistant hat and shoulderpads.
Stick forks in your hat. While this may not actually prevent the Drop Bear from attacking you, it will certainly deter it from attacking you again.
Before setting out on a bushwalk (aka
Magic Roundabout) trickle rivulets of your own urine on your footwear.
If you suspect an encroaching attack by a Drop Bear, walk on your hands. This totally confuses drop bears, as they begin to wonder if they are actually below you looking up through the ground. This is so distressing for the Bear that it often triggers an onset of
SEHS.
WARNING: Although drop bears prefer to live in the wild, the recent 7 year drought has driven many of them into the Central Business Areas of major cities. Although widely suppressed in the media, there have been a number of incidents of Drop Bears plummeting from city office blocks and killing pedestrians. No reports are yet confirmed as drops from as high as the 40th floor do not leave much of either the victim or the Drop Bear for the purposes of identification. Do not step on suspicious street substances as this may destroy vital evidence. Be careful under buildings, as 300 Drop Bears can live on a single building, and often hunt as a pack.
Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT take certain brands of beer or articles of food into the bush. Drop Bears have a supernatural smell gland which enables them to locate their favorite brands of beer and food. The definition of food may not be entirely obvious even if it is understood. It should be noted that the Common Drop Bear has a predilection for the Lesser Brained American Tourist, especially members of famous bands.
For some weird reason, drop bears never eat Aussies. Pretending to be Australian doesn't help. Drop Bears are always suspicious of accents which sound like Paul Hogan.

vde
AustraliaSo where the bloody hell are you? [hide]



Australia (Oz) • AustraliansGovernmentLeaderHistory of AustraliaAustralian-English Dictionary

States:
Southern Territory Northern OZ Tascademania New South Ireland Tramland Terra Australis Kingsland Drunk
Fauna: Banjo The Boony Doll Bunyip Dingo Drop Bear Emu Galah Home slaughtering Hoop Snakes Kangaroos (Killer) Kangaroos (non-Killer) Kangaroos (friendly) Koalas Koalas (other) Kookaburra Platypus (ordinary) Platypus (duck-billed) Possum Vegemite (other) Wombat Lamington
Cities:
Radelaide Brisbun Canbra Melborn Mount Isa Perf Shit-nee Yarm Uluru Wagga Wagga Wollongong Cootamundra Tamworth Townsville Ipshite

People: Aboriginals Amanda Vanstone Anthony Callea Barnaby Joyce Bert Newton Bill Lawry Bogan Captain Cook Crocodile Dundee Germaine Greer Horny Warnie Hugh Jackman Iain Hewitson James Bracey John Howard John Winston Howard Keith Urban Kerry Packer Kevin Andrews Kim Beazley Kevin Rudd Kylie Minogue Lara Bingle Larry Emdur Mark Latham Naomi Robson Pauline Hanson Peter Brock Peter Costello Philip Ruddock Ricky Ponting Rob Mills Rolf Harris Russell Crowe Sir Alfred Metcard Spoida'man Steve Irwin Tasmanians Tony Abbott The guy that won the 1986 olympics

[
edit] See also
Hoop Snake
Warrior Wombat
Killer Kangaroo
Lamington
John Howard & Mcintosh is also within the same family of animals
Adelaide
Gough Whitlam
[
edit] External link
This is the exclusive source where 98.4% of the above article comes from see [
here]. I nearly crapped myself in fear watching this!
Retrieved from "
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Drop_Bear"
Categories: Australia Oscar Wildeizms Marsupials Dangerous





Fauna: Banjo The Boony Doll Bunyip Dingo Drop Bear Emu Galah Home slaughtering Hoop Snakes Kangaroos (Killer) Kangaroos (non-Killer) Kangaroos (friendly) Koalas Koalas (other) Kookaburra Platypus (ordinary) Platypus (duck-billed) Possum Vegemite (other) Wombat Lamington

3 comments:

Sling said...

STOP!...Yer scarin' me. ;)

My word verification is "waqke"...Whacky?

Middle Child said...

Sling - sorry to skare you..how unusual Sling because a Waqke is a well known flightless bird from the South island of New Zealand near Lake Manapouri and its the main reason my youngest sister just moved out of there...it tunnels under your house and shakes the bejesus out of it. Kiwis think its an earthquake, but they are simple sould its really a waqke...

Ann O'Dyne said...

that post was a bloody epic. EPIC.