Watch this right through its a hoot
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Feeling a bit better...
Its been a funny week - nothing has been resolved re the high BP - except I have more drugs which aren't working - what is supposed to last 24hrs lasts 10 hrs so I try and spin it out to at least 12 hours and then take the new drug which also only lasts about 6 hours - Its frightening how high it can get before you feel anything - as usual with many GP's the doc is casual about it - but my sister a long time Renal Dialysis nurse has told me to get it down and to push the issue because apart from diabetes it is one of the main causes of Kidney failure - I trust her expertise more than his because my experience with the GPs who handled Don was abysmal. I wish I could do without going to them at all but sometimes you have to - am looking into natural stuff as well - any ideas - I know Beetroot juice is supposed to help and believe it or not Oat porridge - I am not over worrying about this but I don't want to go down the pill path like my poor mother was forced to do - one drug causing her to need another - and it appears we have a similar make up physically.
What humbles me is that Don lived daily with the real fact that he might not wake up in the morning for over 10 years as his condition worsened this was more apparent - he would sometimes just enjoy staring at the sky and watching the birds and trees - or other things we most of the time forget to do - and it seemed to me as if he was quietly memorising things - faces, pets - he took his time - and he never expressed that he was afraid - which he must have been. A lesson - he lived in the moment! Something I usually do - trying to shut out the "What ifs" -
The difference probably was really that he was not alone - and he knew I could act pretty fast when needed -
I am off to see Pirates of the Carribean - the new one - can't remember which one - I have to admit Johnny Depp has to be one of my favourite actors down at the wonderfully old fashioned Plaza theatre in Laurieton (NSW) - they still charge under $10 to go and the big theatre has columns, statues and lighting like they used to have when I was a kid. Funny Don and I were actually at that theatre when we heard that Princess Diana had been killed - I was too young to remember much about Kennedy - remember exactly where I was when Armstrong walked on the moon - (how many Australians remember where they were when out own PM Mr Holt drowned - HM?)
Melissa and Chris didn't make it up here as only an hour out of Sydney a petrol tanker exploded into flames before them - so I am soooo grateful they were not next to him - nobody was which was a blessing. The poor driver was taken to of all places RNSH Burns which is the next ward to where Don was when he was dying. I hope this poor bugger gets better treatment. Melissa and Chris sat there on the freeway for the next 5 hours - then had to turn back because it would have taken them another 5 hours to get here and Chris just couldn't do it as he is not recovered from the amputation yet and suffers a lot of pain.
So at the end of the week - my daughter and her husband were spared - from what could have been a real tragedy for our family and I thank all the powers that be - I am grateful that both my girls and their husbands are okay and in love. I am grateful to be living where I am - I am grateful for so many things in my life - being blessed with parents who loved each other and us unconditionally - a husband the same and daughters the same. How good is that?
Its been a funny week - nothing has been resolved re the high BP - except I have more drugs which aren't working - what is supposed to last 24hrs lasts 10 hrs so I try and spin it out to at least 12 hours and then take the new drug which also only lasts about 6 hours - Its frightening how high it can get before you feel anything - as usual with many GP's the doc is casual about it - but my sister a long time Renal Dialysis nurse has told me to get it down and to push the issue because apart from diabetes it is one of the main causes of Kidney failure - I trust her expertise more than his because my experience with the GPs who handled Don was abysmal. I wish I could do without going to them at all but sometimes you have to - am looking into natural stuff as well - any ideas - I know Beetroot juice is supposed to help and believe it or not Oat porridge - I am not over worrying about this but I don't want to go down the pill path like my poor mother was forced to do - one drug causing her to need another - and it appears we have a similar make up physically.
What humbles me is that Don lived daily with the real fact that he might not wake up in the morning for over 10 years as his condition worsened this was more apparent - he would sometimes just enjoy staring at the sky and watching the birds and trees - or other things we most of the time forget to do - and it seemed to me as if he was quietly memorising things - faces, pets - he took his time - and he never expressed that he was afraid - which he must have been. A lesson - he lived in the moment! Something I usually do - trying to shut out the "What ifs" -
The difference probably was really that he was not alone - and he knew I could act pretty fast when needed -
I am off to see Pirates of the Carribean - the new one - can't remember which one - I have to admit Johnny Depp has to be one of my favourite actors down at the wonderfully old fashioned Plaza theatre in Laurieton (NSW) - they still charge under $10 to go and the big theatre has columns, statues and lighting like they used to have when I was a kid. Funny Don and I were actually at that theatre when we heard that Princess Diana had been killed - I was too young to remember much about Kennedy - remember exactly where I was when Armstrong walked on the moon - (how many Australians remember where they were when out own PM Mr Holt drowned - HM?)
Melissa and Chris didn't make it up here as only an hour out of Sydney a petrol tanker exploded into flames before them - so I am soooo grateful they were not next to him - nobody was which was a blessing. The poor driver was taken to of all places RNSH Burns which is the next ward to where Don was when he was dying. I hope this poor bugger gets better treatment. Melissa and Chris sat there on the freeway for the next 5 hours - then had to turn back because it would have taken them another 5 hours to get here and Chris just couldn't do it as he is not recovered from the amputation yet and suffers a lot of pain.
So at the end of the week - my daughter and her husband were spared - from what could have been a real tragedy for our family and I thank all the powers that be - I am grateful that both my girls and their husbands are okay and in love. I am grateful to be living where I am - I am grateful for so many things in my life - being blessed with parents who loved each other and us unconditionally - a husband the same and daughters the same. How good is that?
Monday, May 23, 2011
Bit of a fright yesterday which found me strapped to wires and beeps - I have been struggling with high blood pressure for some time now - and trouble getting it to respond to the medications the doctor has ordered - it seldom goes below 150/95 and sometimes has soared above 200/112 - even while laying in bed. The doctor keeps trying this and that then sending me home for a month or more saying"lets see how this goes" and it doesn't seem to change much - so in the past weeks I have been feeling more and more exhausted - it feels like there is a rock or weight in my chest and breathing is fast - I finally got to the end of it yesterday when I felt so unwell I became frightened and then drove myself (they were pissed off at me for doing this in A&E and I get it but don't think I was really clear headed by then.) I couldn't fill in the form properly and felt like there was a pressure in my ears which made hearing clearly hard.
Those who know our history know it would take real fear to get me anywhere near a hospital and it was dreadful to lay there where Don had laid before his transfer to the hospital which killed him - I have to praise the staff as they were excellent except for one smart arse child doctor who hasn't learned to listen, not even to the nurses far less the patient who's fee pays his living.
Luckily the nurses knew what a twit he was so i had support. I was given a small tablet to open the vascular system (Cazzie would know what this is) and then another and wonderfully my BP dropped way down and the tightness and weight in my chest eased and I thought "this is how i used to always feel - how long its been" but after a few hours it started to creep up again - first 157, then minutes later 179 then to 202 - calling for the nurse seemed not to do anything but finally she came and I could tell she was impatient for the doctor to act as the rise was pretty fast, He started lecturing me on anxiety etc and when i tried to tell him I had actually been asleep when the BP started to rise and was feeling wonderfully calm then - it was only when the BP machine woke me up that I even had any concern at all. Don had daily dangerous bouts of crazy life threatening BP so I do have a certain knowledge even tho his was caused by "Autonomic Dysreflexia" a condition peculiar to Quadriplegics see link if interested http://www.sci-info-pages.com/ad.html- but his symptoms were somewhat different from mine - but we knew the seriousness for him - which not as great for me -
I was sent home with extra medication in the wee small hours and thankfully a friend was at the house so i wasn't on my own - but what really upset me was the real fear I heard in my daughters' voices over the phone - I am doing everything humanely possible to fix the problem exercise, healthy eating, not much alcohol and now that is red wine one or two supposed to help - but they lost their Dad in such a horrible way and the damage done to us all runs too deep to be healed yet - Its like there were four of us and one was so brutalised and for so long and basically his death was an execution albeit "legal" and we carry that - it was his anniversary this week but apart from posting the blog I handled it well - and there was a bit of concern re some surgery coming up (think I am falling apart) -in June - but this is the damage people like us are left with as those responsible blithely go about their lives and probably don't even remember our names.
I tried not to let the girls know as both are so far away and couldn't get there anyway - wanted to get things settled till i spoke with them - but one of them must have had a gut feeling as she spam called my mobile and finally I had to reply with an SMS, "talk later" which did the opposite of allaying her fears - more spam calls and had to pick after the doctor left - It broke my heart to her her voice because I have always been strong and tough and have let the kids know I will be there for them what ever happens - am relatively young to have kids in their 30's - and I guess our family is so little and precious to us.
So a doctors visit this afternoon when I would really like to curl up and sleep for ages - My eldest is coming up for a couple of days to make sure I am okay till the new regime kicks in.
So that was my week! Have to hope the next is better - Good health is so important.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
On Tuesday it will be 4 whole years since my lovely Don was killed by gross medical negligence. I am trying so hard not to be sad and most of the time am doing well, but no matter how many people I have in my life and no matter how busy i am it is dreadfully lonely without him.
I figured out some time back apart from the love and all that stuff it is the fun we had together - all four of us. Just the flick of a tongue dripping with sarcasm would have us rolling about and Don was the Master. About 2 years ago the girls and I did another home video -a brrrrilliant send up of some pompous bastards it is our misfortune to know - something we had done on many occasions with don before - we were amazed to find we hadn't lost our touch and we laughed ourselves silly and hurt our throats at the outcome - a masterpiece. But Don was the star in so many home videos - Melissa, Alison and I were so pleased that we still had the touch - and we admitted to each other that we had been worried we couldn't do it without Don's being there.
When you lose the love of your life - (and I have to say I was so lucky to have found him - some people never do) it is hard to accept that in this life you will never see the eyeshine, hear the voice and be held in love the way you were. We are a loyal lot in our family - marriages generally make it and we have ourselves gone through some really bad times when we almost walked away - but we didn't and am so glad now.
It was on this day that the bastards admitted Don was dying . Something he had known for five long weeks of pain, indignity, downright cruelty and filth - and may I add no small amount of very lucrative research - (and I do know this for sure). Its so hard not to hate them for what they did, for what they covered up, for their lies and brutality - and I don't hate them - I don't even remember what most of them look like and have blocked that all out I feel. I hate what they did and are still no doubt doing to other poor frail vulnerable people - because nothing has changed.
I tried to change things and maybe one person who mistreated Don may have got the message - but unless I get the message to those who investigate and until they accept that they are not doing their job - what was done to my husband will happen over and over. There are those doctors like Patel and the Butcher of Bega - who finally get caught not because of the system but in spite of it - but I know from the figures they are just a few of the many - in every major town there are doctors like Patel and Reeves. There is one in this area who just gets shifted sideways when he butchers someone and then three or so years later he is back. Also I accept how hard it is for those who do whistle-blow to stay in their jobs because their peers make it almost impossible and they usually leave and work in other industries.
I have TAFE on the day and its a long day so I won't be sitting here working myself up to be miserable - but I will honour my wonderful man in the way I do - with a candle and some of the flowers he caused to be planted.
Someone blogged this recently - was it you Cazzie? Joe Dolce sang "Watsa Matta You" many years ago but for those who think he just does humorous songs go to his web page - it blew me away. Have a look at his page and listen to some of his other songs
http://www.joedolce.net/ is his home page - he has talents I never dreamt of - The kids used to love Watsa matta you...because an old family friend was Italian and he played it ad nauseum for them...
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