Bit of a fright yesterday which found me strapped to wires and  beeps - I have been struggling with high blood pressure for some time now - and trouble getting it to respond to the medications the doctor has ordered - it seldom goes below 150/95 and sometimes has soared above 200/112 - even while laying in bed. The doctor keeps trying this and that then sending me home for a month or more saying"lets see how this goes" and it doesn't seem to change much - so in the past weeks I have been feeling more and more exhausted - it feels like there is a rock or weight in my chest and breathing is fast - I finally got to the end of it yesterday when I felt so unwell I became frightened and then drove myself (they were pissed off at me for doing this in A&E and I get it but don't think I was really clear headed by then.) I couldn't fill in the form properly and felt like there was a pressure in my ears which made hearing clearly hard.

Those who know our history know it would take real fear to get me anywhere near a hospital and it was dreadful to lay there where Don had laid before his transfer to the hospital which killed him - I have to praise the staff as they were excellent except for one smart arse child doctor who hasn't learned to listen, not even to the nurses far less the patient who's fee pays his living.

Luckily the nurses knew what a twit he was so i had support. I was given a small tablet to open the vascular system (Cazzie would know what this is) and then another and wonderfully my BP dropped way down and the tightness and weight in my chest eased and I thought "this is how i used to always feel - how long its been" but after a few hours it started to creep up again - first 157, then minutes later 179 then to 202 - calling for the nurse seemed not to do anything but finally she came and I could tell she was impatient for the doctor to act as the rise was pretty fast, He started lecturing me on anxiety etc and when i tried to tell him I had actually been asleep when the BP started to rise and was feeling wonderfully calm then - it was only when the BP machine woke me up that I even had any concern at all. Don had daily dangerous bouts of crazy life threatening BP so I do have a certain knowledge even tho his was caused by "Autonomic Dysreflexia" a condition peculiar to Quadriplegics see link if interested  http://www.sci-info-pages.com/ad.html- but his symptoms were somewhat different from mine - but we knew the seriousness for him - which not as great for me - 

I was sent home with extra medication in the wee small hours and thankfully a friend was at the house so i wasn't on my own - but what really upset me was the real fear I heard in my daughters' voices over the phone - I am doing everything humanely possible to fix the problem exercise, healthy eating, not much alcohol and now that is red wine one or two supposed to help - but they lost their Dad in such a horrible way and the damage done to us all runs too deep to be healed yet - Its like there were four of us and one was so brutalised and for so long and basically his death was an execution albeit "legal" and we carry that - it was his anniversary this week but apart from posting the blog I handled it well - and there was a bit of concern re some surgery coming up (think I am falling apart) -in June - but this is the damage people like us are left with as those responsible blithely go about their lives and probably don't even remember our names.

I tried not to let the girls know as both are so far away and couldn't get there anyway - wanted to get things settled till i spoke with them - but one of them must have had a gut feeling as she spam called my mobile and finally I had to reply with an SMS,  "talk later" which did the opposite of allaying her fears - more spam calls and had to pick after the doctor left - It broke my heart to her her voice because I have always been strong and tough and have let the kids know I will be there for them what ever happens - am relatively young to have kids in their 30's - and I guess our family is so little and precious to us.

So a doctors visit this afternoon when I would really like to curl up and sleep for ages - My eldest is coming up for a couple of days to make sure I am okay till the new regime kicks in.

So that was my week! Have to hope the next is better - Good health is so important.