Friday, April 30, 2010

It is such an achingly beautiful day today.
The air is light and rests easily upon the land about here. The many shades of green on the trees hereabouts are reflecting the sun's gentle light. Its one of those wonderful autumn days when you feel that no matter how bad things can get, how much you miss those you have lost, no matter lack of money or security, no matter the mongrels we elect who betray us daily - there really is magic in the world. There really is a plan for us all but within that plan there is free will which some might see as a conundrum...but it makes sense to me.

On days like this it is hard to not to have a few tears because of memories born on the gentle breezes...and a few tears have been shed today...but I feel better for at least feeling something rather than just blindly going through the hours I have been allowed to have today just to contemplate.

I feel a change in the air - not the weather but as if things are getting ready to shuffle into a different order...it feels like a good change...

and just as I began to write this down I had a phone call from an old friend who was instrumental in putting me in touch with the journalist who did the last edit on my manuscript - the one I haven't been able to find a publisher for...This old friend ...Dorothy has just re read the edited version and knows of a publisher/printer who is eager to read the manuscript and said she would be brave enough to publish it as her husband has been treated very badly medically and left with a condition he need not have suffered... out of the blue! I was searching my brain for some way to bring this to fruition and I admit after speaking with Dorothy I went outside and loudly said thanks many times. So much has been open ended..to have the story of what happened exposed will do it for me...then I can start looking for something I can do to bring in a few dollars extra - as it is now every day there has been more letters I have to send out...more documents to produce...all if it seeming so dry compared to the reality of what I describe.

The other day I received this from one of my girls,
"I just read all the correspondence to do with the HCCC, your reply is really well put. I can't believe the lies they seem to so freely spew out. It is obviously bullshit, They don't want it published on the web because it will make them look like what they really are, careless, heartless, useless, uneducated, half-assed, thoughtless, cruel & a completely biased organisation that assists in protecting the medical world and the evil they do. They condone these acts by not doing anything about them. I am so sorry for you that you are battling against these endless brickwalls, I am also very proud of your determination and incredibly well worded and articulate letters and documents. Dad would be so very proud of your work in defending him. I hope that you can find a warmth in knowing you really are doing all that can be done to bring justice to what happened to him, it is just too bad that the system is so corrupt. You are a truly wonderful person mum and I really look up to you, you have such a rich and well rounded character and are so very intelligent"...

She is right about the "well rounded" bit but not too sure about the "intelligent" bit...especially as past 2pm comes and my mind slows down...I really only spark in the early hours. But how nice to have something like this written by a daughter while you are still alive. I know both of them are like me damaged by the horror we witnessed and now understand from the information we gathered. She is right ..."it is just too bad that the system is so corrupt."and sadly because of our circumstances our daughters have been aware of this reality ever since they were young and still in high school - yet they and I are generally cheerful and happy as Don was also -much better knowing what is wrong and how bad it is and then you adapt and can separate yourself from becoming part of the general corruption and remain sane in what is really an insane world where we elect the most self seeking and corrupt to be the guardians of the country - and they act as if they are doing us a favour, and not employed by us.

Ha ... she wouldn't think I was so intelligent if she could see me most of the time - any bright stuff I do seems to come in a flash and over with just as quickly...and I am not all that sure its to my credit what I have achieved in these flash moments... sometimes I have to consider... and bear with me here...I consider that if I do the right thing for its own sake...and as I believe in Angels - as long as I am ready to act when inspiration comes..I feel like I get a boost at times. Sometimes I find myself laughing at things I have planned to embarass or ambush this or that pollie when I get the chance...and I am darn sure I get help here, because it all seems to pan out. No doubt God has a sense of humour - he created us after all

And haven't stepped a foot inside a church door for years apart from funerals...

On days like this I feel the agelessness of the land and sky around me...something I can recall feeling as a little kid in the quiet moments...although I did not have the words for the feelings then...the feelings are exactly the same as when I stood barefoot in the cool grass, looking at the clouds or stars above and I remember that child so well.

That child was not adverse to a certain amount of mild skulduggery and got away with far more than she ever got punished for (the balance struck)...and as long as I can face her clear eyes and heart and recognise that I haven't done injustice for the things that little kid felt and hoped for...my life will have been worth living.

And on a day like today...life is worth the living and I am so grateful for just appreciating what I do have at this time in my life...my kids, family, my health and a roof over my head.




4 comments:

Anne said...

Sometimes I read your entries and honestly don't know what to say, you have such a way of writing that really touches me deeply. I still haven't (and I know you will understand why) touched on your manuscript but one day I will when I feel ready. Don would be so proud of you:-)

FoxyMoron said...

What Anne said. And more from my own perspective.

Andrew said...

Good luck with the new publisher. The story needs to be told.

Middle Child said...

Thanks all and Anne I understand - i t would wreck you where you are at - it is harrowing.