Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Back to the original Story

As it says above... I ended up being unable to work with the person who was "editing' my story, as what started out as editing became a take over and he began writing the book he thought should be written; I realised on Sunday when he spent the day at the computer reading over the whole of what we had worked upon, from about 7am till midnight most days for almost ten days. Each day I felt my energy getting less and less and he seemed to gain energy. On that Sunday I decided I didn't like what i was seeing on the screen so I printed the whole thing out. It had become a dog's breakfast of a story and the continuity was shit. The words I used, and which I seemed to have to argue over, again and again, even words such as "which" which he always replaced with "that" which made the work sound choppy...many of my softer words like precious became "hard' words as you might use in a text book. Its hard to explain here but I was reading someone elses version of my story.

This takeover seemed to seem reasonable in the beginning because I thought here is someone who knows what they are doing and I don't. So I gave way and many of the things I gave way on needed to go but just as many were fine.

After I printed it out and realised what a mess it had become, with whole paragraphs all in the wrong order, so much so that when i get back from my daughter's place I know it will take me days to untangle.

The shit hit the fan on Sunday night when as he was reading down through the day when Don was forced to sit up in the wheelchair for three hours although suffering, he turned to me and barked - and I mean barked - he's a big person - "Three hours! he sat up for three hours! I would have got him back to bed." This went on for about fifteen minutes with his barking at me what he would do and how he would do it, and all I could hear was "I, I, I". The meaning was clear as to why did I not do what he thought could be done although he tried to turn this around the next day. There was no other reason for such a verbal assault and tirade.

By the end I felt like I had been attacked which I was. I remember my eldest sister saying when her husband used to play mind games on her and bark about, that she would go very quiet and still - and feel herself shrinking so as to appear smaller. I felt like that. I have encountered many people in my life my being so very old, but never someone who could bully so effectively overriding everything he would not allow as possibility but there not being anything you could get a handle on - so it was hard to grab hold of something.

I am out of town and its very quiet here. That night I understood how people kill. I sat there copping this "wah wah wah I I I" and my heart felt black. I do not hold guilt about any aspect of my care of Don. I did my best, and I know Don knew/knows that. I am now at peace with what happened re how I acted.

So I finally stood up slowly and hand out in a stop, said quietly," I can't do this" (meaning his working on the story). I turned and went into my room and shut the door. I had been feeling as if my house had become not mine. When I stopped shaking and looked in the mirror I was shocked to see how large the pupils of my eyes were. People talk about "red rage", which I experienced many years ago - where your sight seems to have a red haze, but this was "black rage'.

I felt afraid/ threatened/ not physically but emotionally. I felt like I was in a state of shock that night. Something was very very wrong with him,

It was a strange night. I could hear him making himself a cup of tea and aware he was typing and finally I went to sleep. I got up early and ate the hugest plate of wheetbix because I felt shaky and empty. So when he came out later, I just told him much of the above, that my story no longer felt like mine etc and you know what his arrogant response to what he called my "feedback" how I hate when people talk like this - he said "Well I hit the right buttons" as if it was all a big game and somehow clever.

Why would someone want to do that to me or anyone? I don't understand that sort of cruelty. it was very cruel to imply that although I hadn't acted to ease Don's suffering "for three hours" he would have gone out to the street and got someone to help him get Don back to bed.

Then you realise that even someone who believes he sees and knows all is shockingly ignorant, practically, and emotionally.

The clue to the behaviour is, that i did not know what a strong background in Scientology he had. He claimed to no longer be a member, but if he mentioned once, he mentioned dozens of times how well Scientology trains your mind etc etc...shame about the heart I guess. He was only needing a couple of hours sleep a night and I was waking exhausted. I actually feel like he was draining my energy on some level

Lucky that I am going to see the girls on Thursday because physically I feel like I am back in the early days. My chest is so sore and I feel like I can't breathe.

In my whole life apart from the time before Don's death, i have never felt so out of control of my thoughts and actions and house, my story, everything. Has anyone else come across these people.

His attitude improved and he booked his train. I believe his intention was to help but his ego overrode that and he took control. Even things like my "australianisms' I was told to take out because others might not understand - the book will have most relevance to Australians and I don't think most of you have much trouble understanding my terminology.

Maybe its best to pay someone to do this stuff in a payment for hours deal rather than accept favours from aquaintances where you feel in their debt, which lessens your ability to pull them out when needed. So I guess I have learnt something at least.

Any hoo - its quiet here now. I am constantly seeing my old doggie in my mind's eye, but so pleased he is not suffering as he was.

Sorry for the rant...


FoxyMoron said...

I am so angry! How dare he try to take over this because of his own agenda? And yes I have met people like this before and they are energy sappers and confidence destroyers and appear to know exactly what they are doing.
Thank God he is gone now. What are you going to do? Want me to come up and help you? Sorry just trying to make you laugh.
You write that book in your own words Therese and it will be fine.
I am glad you are going to see your girls soon.
I can't imagine how you must have felt that night.

Wanna_B_slimmer said...

Oh Therese... Thats disgusting behaviour!! Not yours..his!
I hope you manage to calm down and get the editing sorted out and you have a finished book to be proud of..

Sling said...

I assume from the title that you've saved the original version right?..Good.
Take a deep breath doll,and maybe give consideration to the changes that you can live with.
Keep the 'Australianisms',..people are smarter than he gives them credit for.

Anne said...

I'm hoping as well that you have the original version?

I feel both sorry and angry for you. It's your story, I really thouhht the edtiing should be to pick up obvious errors, grammer - not to change the story!!

I believe you have a way with words. I know there would be no need to change the way you had written. Sad you had to experience this.

Good luck with the book.

Cazzie!!! said...

This person is obviously a person with Narcissistiv Personality Disorder...
"Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, need for admiration, extreme self-involvement, and lack of empathy for others. Individuals with this disorder are usually arrogantly self-assured and confident. They expect to be noticed as superior. Many highly successful individuals might be considered narcissistic. However, this disorder is only diagnosed when these behaviors become persistent and very disabling or distressing."
Hit the nail on the head? Thought so... we once had someone just like this live with us. If we knew before what we knew AFTER they started living with us we would never have put them up in our family home. Such disruption, such rage, things I never would have said, feelings I never had felt before..I became a person I had never been.
Well, you wite it like it is Therese....and I remember the day of the 3 hour sitting of Don... of course you did what was most correct at the time. Your story remains with me always...and I know and Don knows, you did your very very best..with LOVE!!

JahTeh said...

From what I've heard all scientologists are like this.
As for the energy, I'd call him an emotional vampire and I've met a few in my time.
We've all read your words about Don on this blog and have we ever complained about not understanding any of his suffering? Ditch the man, he's no use to you.

Middle Child said...

Foxymoron - thanks. I feel so stupid to have fallen victim to behaviour like this. A good learning experience. I'm goig to see the kids for a week, I was planning to do that anmyway but now its even more needed. It'll take me ages to sort out the mess he made, but not looking at it till I get back.

Wanna be slimmer - it was disgusting. I actually didn't even wwany to be in the rooms he spent most time in - Ali (daughter) said "mum get some frankincense and clear out the energy" how practical. Even now it feels like he is around a corner listening in.

Sling - yes I have the original and in more than one place. I wonder at the motive. I think he realised what a powerful story it is and thought to attach his name to it Cazzie described him to a tee.

anne - thanks also. I feel more confident in my own ability after the shit he tried to put into the book and he's had stuff published.

Cazzie - you are sp[ot on. Could not have described him better. Put your description on a very tall big person (an ex copper and MP, who is a public speaker and MC's things and you can imagine the situation. I told him that how I speak was how people speak in Australia and that i would be understood, hes comments were "well I don't mix with ordinary people much"

jahteh... might do a post on emotional vampires soon. His sister is onbe of the top scientologists in the country - and does new age workshops...pleased I have never been a groupie of this stuff.

Sara said...

Nothing more than a bully. He probably doesn't even know it. Lot of those types don't understand that emotional bullying can be just as real and damaging as physical. Glad ya dumped him.

Citymouse said...

I belive you have encountered an evil force that has been around forever-- an emotional vampire!

Be strong-- and know that love will kill the evil-- YOUR LOVE FOR DON!

Team Gherkin said...

Thank gawd he's gone. What a bastard! Grrr!

Caroline said...

Sounds like my ex boyfriend.

Put that manuscript in a drawer for five weeks and try to forget about it (the manuscript not the events) then work on it yourself. Success is in the fourth draft. Once you have polished it to perfection--a long and boring process, then submit it to an agent or publisher--but ensure that its perfect. Do not give it to any men friends or foes to read or review-- (sorry guys) especially those of your age, they have an unconscious agenda to undermine you and keep you in the place they have alotted for you in their tiny little minds marked --'single' woman over the age of 50, who can actually, if the truth be known run rings around these dickbrain idiots, in every sphere of life--ipso facto the need for them to make you feel small, as it makes them feel 'bigger'-- JERKS. In the meantime you can learn all sorts of alternative high falutin words to describe scumbags etc. . . .

Middle Child said...

Sara - what upsets me is that I thought I would recognise a mind fucker - he slipped under my guard abnd exhausted me so I couldn't think...a reality check for me. NO ONE stays at my house ever again unless I want them to and am happy with them, they can bugger off if they get heavy.

Caroline - ha ha ha ha ha - thanks for this I needed support from the sister hood and some of my male bloggers are honourary members...am still larfin me guts out... you are so bloody real caroline