Saturday, March 14, 2009

The first almost unnoticeable touch of Autumn today.

I was looking out the windows. A good pastime when you are crook and it hit me for the first time this year that the light was a little softer, a little gentler. It is a magic day here. Every leaf holds the sunlight but not in the withering way of summer...this is just beautiful. I am so grateful for Autumn every year, it is my favourite season always...but this year it seems more welcome. Sort of a soothing balm for the country and the people.

So today instead of seeing the bushes and trees loaded up with feral vines which defy all but the sharpest wood saws, and have thorns, there were the trees standing still and tall...instead of seeing the weeds which are out of control after the flood, then hot sun and my time away there were the plants and bushes, all colours of the rainbow in their flowers. Don's favourite plant was the Blue
Ginger which is the last picture. We originally bought it together over at a Wauchope nursery in the late 1990's and it spread in our old house... then we bought some here. I planted it just outside the big sliding door of our bedroom so when Don was bed ridden as he was a fair bit in the last years, he could see this plant and watch the bees and birds come to it. Watch it blowing in the breezes and catch the light that it is catching today.

Sometimes it is just so beautiful it makes me want to cry. Not in a sad way...I guess its just an opening of the heart, as happens when we see things of true beauty. For me its like a chord has been sounded, and when the notes of that
chord are in perfect harmony my heart wells, and too often I cry. While the world can be really hard to live in at times, and while we all go through too much sometimes, its days like this which let me know that there is more than what we can see and measure that makes this little planet turn around in this great and beautiful universe.

Tomorrow may be different... i may have a flat tyre on the way somewhere and grumble because I can't get the nuts off the wheel imagining the universe is once again conspiring against if???

I may be becoming a hermit for now, but I think that what we do always seems to happen at the right time for what we need... I need to be here as I am. This place has magic. When i stand at the slip rails and watch the sun set, or just go up the long driveway... it feels right.

Don and I moved out here under no illusions in early 2004. We both knew that at best we would only have four or five years at the very outside. I know in hindsight that much of his efforts after 2004 were towards setting things up so it would all be complete, and that there'd be no more to do than keep it going which is no mean feat (thanks Don). We only had a couple of Christmases here but they were the best and the four of us were so in sync it was always great. There was one Christmas when for a while Don seemed unusually grumpy and "different". I was worried that maybe he'd had a mild stroke because his face looked different in the photos for a day or so and then it all lifted. As he did have another one about 18months later, which also passed I think that this was what this was all about, but the girls were upset not knowing why their Dad was so hard to be with. But once it was over he was himself.

I handed my manuscript over to a Journalist yesterday who offered to read through it with the hope to finding me a publisher...I have to hope... (just an aside)

My sister Joan and her daughter Alanah are in the early days re grieving for Bruce. I left their place at 4am on Thursday for home and left a note which said "You will never get over Bruce, nor forget him but the pain will ease very slowly as time passes, not quickly. But it will ease and one day you'll think you are okay and something will slam you back and the tears will flow, but these days will get less and you are not going mad." When Don was killed I was scared that I would forget his voice, his sayings and his ways... but its like they have melded into me and are part of me. I find myself using terms he used which I seldom used...things like that. I hope I can be helpful for Joan and Alanah, but will need to also protect myself a bit as I did not do so well at the funeral home...I just could not go in. She understood. She's one of the goodies in this world.

Now outside clouds have come over and rain may come but the stillness is absolute. not a bird call, not a car, just the fan (its still warm). When the big events in life happen as with Joanie's husband if you are still enough it brings you back to something sacred if that makes sense. Thats how I feel today. If I was well I'd be out there sweeping or weeding /whatever...I think I needed to stop and smell the roses.

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Mal Kiely [Lancelots Pram] said...

Stop and smell and taste the colours and flavours of the garden, this lovely Autumnal day.

Good luck with the right book publishing door opening for you :)

Random Thinker said...

I love fall too. The colors are beautiful and the smells are comforting. We arein the earliest stages of spring here. I'm sure your sister was comforted by your words. It's hard when we can't take the pain away from our loved ones. All we can do is be there for them.

rosemary said...

your last 2 paragraphs were is the autumn season.

Mom said...

It always surprises me when I realize that our lands are backward from each other. We are just coming out of winter and enjoying the first signs of spring. Whatever the season, it is good to stop and enjoy the wonder around us.

Sling said...

I was just commenting on another blog that the first Hummingbirds of Spring have returned to O-Town.
I get a kick out of those tell-tale signs,no matter what the season.

Anne said...

I feel so much for you sister. We are going through a scary health patch - very hard.

Jules said...

Autumn is my favourite too, not too warm anymore but not too cold either.

love the blue ginger.

Keep those spirits up lovely lady.

FoxyMoron said...

Beautiful post Therese, you write so well, sometimes I feel like I'm there with you.

You said the absolutely right thing to your sister re her grief. Some of the positives I try to take from my losses is that I can help when others suffer loss as I know what helped me in my grief, and what certainly did not, especially when we lost Sarah. I wish your sister wasn't going through this, and her daughter of course, but I am so glad they have you to help them, and to understand.

Sara said...

This post really cheered me up. Looks beautiful there. I'm looking forward to our season changing towards daylight.

Middle Child said...

Mal - thanks it is harder than i dreamt finding a publisher.

Random Thinker - do they call it "Fall" because of the leaves? Where I live few leaves fall it never gets that cold.

Rosemary, thanks - it was a lovely day.

mom - its be in reverse.... but so glad to see summer go this year.

Sling, its so good we are old enough to be seeing and remembering all the little signs...soon be getting called 'ol timers

Anne - i read your posts..I am hoping that all turns out well.

Jules - lovely lady yourself!!! I love Autumn becuase we are not going towards summer!!!!

Foxymoron - my sister and her daughter are so easy to speak with unlike some others in my family.

Sara and you ahve your trip to look forwards to as well - wow!

Ann ODyne said...

I can change a tyre.
Sometimes if you put your backside against the wheelhousing (instead of facing it) then you can get more of a wrench going with the brace on those damn nuts.
That garden definitely has faeries and sprites in it.
peace and love, B