Can't sleep again...
No trouble getting there... crash. Don used to be talking to me and then he's say it was like I became unconsious...I have always been a morning person, like wanting to get up at the first touch of grey in the sky...but 3am is ridiculuous when I can't get to sleep before midnight. It comes and goes like this. Before Don's death, and before the last hospitilisation I would crash and sleep right through, unless someting happened in the night...
Sometimes I still do. LIke if I get through till five am these days I consider that a good night's sleep. It seems to come in waves...
Yesterday (sorry the day before) I was heading down the driveway and grabbed the mail. Inside was a packet with "responses" from Don's GP and Surgeon and the hospital. I stupidly read the GP's before I went into town, trying not to get angry or drive stupid. I may have mentioned I started excercises a few months back because I wasn't feeling well and am feeling better now physically... this is not your gym junkie sort of place...some of the women (only) are in their seventies and go down to 15... its not a weight loss place where everyone wears matching socks and sweat bands..nary a sweat band in sight ( I think you would be laughed at, chaffed at and flung shit at if you turned up looking all cutsie and matching) and I don't wear socks at all ...just some old tracky daks and a very loose old T shirt... thats the uniform if there is one... suits me... its about getting strong again, stopping joint problems, getting blood pressure down which was scaring me. Mine was definately stress related.
So at the place and I am punching away and the owner came round and said "You are doing really well today"... I said "Its called Anger".
The bloody rotton creeping jesus of a GP claimed in his response that he was up there on the right hand of God practically, that I never went with Don to any of his appointments so how did I know anything about what was said... either calling me a liar or Don... he wasn't, I'm not. Claiming we didn't try to get help for Don because we wouldn't drive down the highway to see a specialist... we couldn't Don was too sick. I had to watch him in the rear view mirror when we did drive in to see if he was passing out in the wheelchair...in to town was all we could do at that time. His lips were often tinged blue because of lack of oxygen.
I was at the surgery when Don went there in January. He had been very unwell. I was in the waiting room. It has to be understood that over the years when Don was not so unwell he would often go to the doctors by wheelchair taxi, because he was a lovely man and wanted to allow me that bit of time in the house to myself. When he was less well I would drive him and often wait out in the van. He had his own autonomy and that included his right to privacy at the doctors. Thats how we worked. When he was less well I went in with him because he could be very dizzy at times… but would just sit in the waiting room.
I'd like to see that smug little GP do as well as we did together.
Its laughable... he did remember Don putting his arm out the night he died, but not as three of us saw - trying to hold the ventilator for just a bit longer so he could be with us at home...NOOO... the arm went out because as he said Don was feeling a little pain as he (the Doc) tried to disconnect the ventilator.
I was so bloody angry at that I dry retched in the van. There was a lot of other stuff in there which made us look (or me really ) look agressive, stupid, uncaring whatever...all of which we thought he was...he's the passive agressive type..
So because he is just a good jolly hockey sticks pooncy pants of a Doc...the Commisssion decided without giving me the chance to respond to his version... to not even talk with him. he's off! Scot free. Not so the surgeon or the hospital but I am sure that the commission will bend over backwards... its a government commission and the NSW State Labor Gov does not want any more scandal re health.
The same day this happened I had a phone call from a solicitor. She ahd been in touch with a top Cardiothoracic Specialist and relayed the issues. The Specialist said she would never have even considered Don for that surgery... and in strong terms. So good news followed bad news. This made me feel like crying because this was the first professionjal to back up what we knew and be vocal about it unlike a spinal specialist who was at first shocked and then rethought because of her postition in caring for the hospital before the patient.
So I spent all yesterday resonding to the doctor's response, re reading stuff I haven't looked at for some time and as the solicitor asked, doing a timeline. I guess this explains to myself why it was such a shit night.
As I write this there is a lovely photo of my Don which I have to the left of me. It was taken just before Christmas 2006. He wasn't well here, but we were down at Town Beach and tea on the beach late one summer evening. It was a perfect day.
When ever I am asked by those who have no understanding why I am doing what I am... like some people say "Just let it go" I could no more let it go than I could if someone had taken him out and shot him. And that...condisered a murder and chased up by the authorities was nothing compared to what he suffered. And knowing him as well as I did I know I am doing exactly what I should be doing because it is the right thing to do and no other reasons needed.
For some people it might work the other way, but I'm not them. I know down the track that the quality of my internal life will be much better...
as it stands now the NSW State Coroner will decide soon if there is to be a Coronial Inquest. I sure hope so because then that will mean that those responsile and those who have lied to cover their mates' backs will be forced to go on the stand under oath. There is also the Investigation started in the Health care Complaints Commission... as said they are a bit soft... The daily Telegraph is sitting on the story waiting for the Coroner's decision...that exposition would be a blessing. I have a solicitor helping me get an indepedant Medical report done which is essential, the NSW Gov has called for a more extensive (or do I mean expensive ??) Inquiry after their last one was treated with derision when they handed down their findings, just before Christmas 2007.
Its just become daylight outside and it is a most beautiful morning... I do love mornings best... one thing that just flashed...we used to have an old piano out in my bedrom when I was about 12-16. My sister and I used to sleep in a room our dad added on to the verandah...as the family grew. She on a Saturday liked to sleep till about 11am... not me. I'd be up there at 7am a thumppin about on that old piano for about 3o mins till I got hungry for breakfast... then I'd leave her in peace (ha). She'd groan and cover her head but she knew it would be over soon and I'd be totally gone from the room...strange sister... I'd have complained more physically.
can't seem to get spell checker to work so hope not too many typos)