Sunday, December 09, 2007

Had a bit of a wake up call health wise
on Friday - went to the doctors to check up on why I keep getting a sore chest and tightness which is really distressing and feel like I can't breath properly at times, something which never happened till this year and he took my BP...it was off the planet... 180 on 107 unbelievable. I normally sit around 120 to 130 over 80 0r 90. I hadn't realised how incredibly stressed I had become over the past year. It came down a fair bit when they got me to breathe deeply and relax etc... I hate going to surgeries anyway... feel like I am in dangerous territory... rather go to the vets...they know more.
The Doc sat me out in the nurses room and did an ECG and a couple more BP's before I left -

I knew all about Stress ...its the catch phrase these days... but I think this goes beyond what I had thought of as stress. I understand how one could actually die of a broke heart, but not in some drifty romantic way...more like a bloody stroke which leaves you unable to look after yourself...

I had been feeling really strange with vertigo, and a semi numb feeling on the side of my head and have had this for some time... since Don died...but having been burnt by his dreadful treatment I just thought "It'll go away" I am a great believer in just leaving things be like aches and pains and a few days alter they go...

So I have got to ease back and not let everything mainly other's problems, worry me so much and realise I am not responsible for the world and how it is. I had been crying a lot of late, seem to be more and more and have to wake up to the fact that Don wouldn't want me to bugger up my health this way... would be nice for the girls to have at least one parent around when they have kids... I had been feeling really unwell and spacey and no energy... all of which the grief counsellor (yes I actually went to one... totally unlike what I thought I would ever do) told me was to be expected because of the nature of Don's death...but I think that the grief masked what was happening physically also...


I tried a different approach yesterday... I was easy on myself and had a day when apart from doing what really needed to be done I pottered about and wandered in the yard... when the feelings came over me I tried to remember what I knew once about recognising the feelings and then acknowledging them and then letting them go on the breeze... as they came. Only had one really bad moment when I almost lost it but made a conscious effort not to get too angry about what happened as I know i have done what I can for now...set in motion so to speak...to ensure what happened to Don is exposed, acknowledged and recorded.


I would find myself getting quietly angry that no one in the family was able to take the cudgel away from me for a while in the fight... I have always been a fighter and know how to do reports and access media and MP's because Don and I were/are born shit stirrers... the kids called us "Shit Stirrer's Inc." even. The weaker side of me just wanted to hand it over, despite all the pretty words I would say to people. I think I just felt overwhelmed by the Titans I had taken on and knowing that the way the system works it will work to protect the hospital, doctors and nurses and thereby itself.


Its not the tears from grief which cause you problems...tears are fine...its the anger, the incredulity at the lack of compassion and the unbelievable cruelty that the system allows to happen - for which no one takes responsibility.
I even slept in this morning till all of 6.30am after months of waking at 4am eyes on stalks.
I know that I know what to do ...it just all got forgotten in the wash up.
better a wake up call than not waking up at all I always ses : ) - well I just ses it now anyway.
And now for something completely different... a friend emailed me this this morning...needs no words... but can't resist, "Say Cheese!"

13 comments:

Dan said...

T, you've had one very rough year. Be gentle on yourself. Relax, relax, relax. I know ... way easier said than done but it comes easier with practice.

Just breathing in and out, with your eyes closed, can defuse the situation. Hugs my friend.

Sling said...

You said it yourself MC..It would be nice for the Girls to have one parent around when they have kids.
Please take care of yourself.

old man of the sea said...

stroke that doggy, mc. nothing really matters, you know, except kindness.

Jacqui said...

Thank goodness you went to the doctor! You might hate the profession at the moment because the hell Don went through but not all docs are bad.

Hope you are on meds now, taking relaxation classes and listening to mellow music.

Unfortunately high blood pressure has been the bain of my life since I was in my early 30's. Still I thank my lucky stars it was found because I could be dead or disabled by now.

Jules said...

babe, that BP is very high.

I promised to get onto those Bach Flowers and I will, that is my mission for tomorrow, get the Bach Flower Book out and find you something. Seems you are beating yourself up and holding on to an anger that needs to be let go. There is a great quote on my hairdresser's wall: Ulcers are caused by the things we keep not the things we eat.

Sara said...

Well it's a good thing you went in and got it checked out! Take care, MC.

Middle Child said...

Dan...thats what I did to bring it down...remembered what I used to do when meditating ...thanks Dan...need to put into practice things I know.

Middle Child said...

Sling, I will... they have had a wonderful childhood... are strong women, but5 our families are too small these days.

Middle Child said...

Old man of the sea...thank you for that...I can tell you've been around the block a few times to know that absolute truth...and the doggie has been a leaning against me more than usual...poor bugger... he's just wonderful

Middle Child said...

Jacqui...No the doc just said "see you when the X Rays come in" no after service from this practice...they bulk bill (free) but maybe the cost with this crew might be too high. After the bP settled he just went on to the next patient... thats what I don't like about doctors. So am doing all I can to help myself bring it down and see how it goes next week.

I am going to go to gentle excercise classes... for the company as well but to help with BP and cut down on Coffees etc...not up to listening to too much music these days it just makes me cry. I have a few classical ones I can handle...but nothing with words.

Middle Child said...

JUles...thanks for the quote. Not so much beating myself up but how I feel is like I have come out of a war zone and seen horrific images which just float past my vision constantly. I don't mean to relive the time it just happens.I witnessed a crime which happened over a 5 week period in which a gentle man was tortured and injured daily. I couldn't stop them. They kept promising that there might be a sliver of hope when now that I have read their notes I know we were lied to...as stated it is the cruelty I can't come to terms with. I am working on it...one day it will lessen

Middle Child said...

Sara...thanks... good to hear from you

rosemary said...

T.A.K.E. C.A.R.E. O.F. Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F.

High BP isn't called the silent killer for no reason.