Had a bit of a wake up call health wise

on Friday - went to the doctors to check up on why I keep getting a sore chest and tightness which is really distressing and feel like I can't breath properly at times, something which never happened till this year and he took my BP...it was off the planet... 180 on 107 unbelievable. I normally sit around 120 to 130 over 80 0r 90. I hadn't realised how incredibly stressed I had become over the past year. It came down a fair bit when they got me to breathe deeply and relax etc... I hate going to surgeries anyway... feel like I am in dangerous territory... rather go to the vets...they know more.

The Doc sat me out in the nurses room and did an ECG and a couple more BP's before I left -

I knew all about Stress ...its the catch phrase these days... but I think this goes beyond what I had thought of as stress. I understand how one could actually die of a broke heart, but not in some drifty romantic way...more like a bloody stroke which leaves you unable to look after yourself...

I had been feeling really strange with vertigo, and a semi numb feeling on the side of my head and have had this for some time... since Don died...but having been burnt by his dreadful treatment I just thought "It'll go away" I am a great believer in just leaving things be like aches and pains and a few days alter they go...

So I have got to ease back and not let everything mainly other's problems, worry me so much and realise I am not responsible for the world and how it is. I had been crying a lot of late, seem to be more and more and have to wake up to the fact that Don wouldn't want me to bugger up my health this way... would be nice for the girls to have at least one parent around when they have kids... I had been feeling really unwell and spacey and no energy... all of which the grief counsellor (yes I actually went to one... totally unlike what I thought I would ever do) told me was to be expected because of the nature of Don's death...but I think that the grief masked what was happening physically also...

I tried a different approach yesterday... I was easy on myself and had a day when apart from doing what really needed to be done I pottered about and wandered in the yard... when the feelings came over me I tried to remember what I knew once about recognising the feelings and then acknowledging them and then letting them go on the breeze... as they came. Only had one really bad moment when I almost lost it but made a conscious effort not to get too angry about what happened as I know i have done what I can for now...set in motion so to speak...to ensure what happened to Don is exposed, acknowledged and recorded.

I would find myself getting quietly angry that no one in the family was able to take the cudgel away from me for a while in the fight... I have always been a fighter and know how to do reports and access media and MP's because Don and I were/are born shit stirrers... the kids called us "Shit Stirrer's Inc." even. The weaker side of me just wanted to hand it over, despite all the pretty words I would say to people. I think I just felt overwhelmed by the Titans I had taken on and knowing that the way the system works it will work to protect the hospital, doctors and nurses and thereby itself.

Its not the tears from grief which cause you problems...tears are fine...its the anger, the incredulity at the lack of compassion and the unbelievable cruelty that the system allows to happen - for which no one takes responsibility.

I even slept in this morning till all of 6.30am after months of waking at 4am eyes on stalks.

I know that I know what to do ...it just all got forgotten in the wash up.

better a wake up call than not waking up at all I always ses : ) - well I just ses it now anyway.

And now for something completely different... a friend emailed me this this morning...needs no words... but can't resist, "Say Cheese!"