How long before I can listen to the music I have loved since I knew music existed? How many years will it take when the harmonies don't make me break down crying? Any statistics on that? I have trouble listening to anything even new music - its not the words of songs - its what the harmony does to my heart. It actually hurts.
After wars soldiers come back with shell shock or now called Post traumatic Stress disorder - What is it called when the loved ones are murdered out on the streets? No doubt years later the closest will still suffer in whatever way is unique to them. For me I have no doubt as to what I witnessed as Don was killed and no soldier on the front suffered more than he did I can attest to that - it is not possible to endure more than he did before you die. It was/ is that horrible. I read Weary Dunlop's life story (every Australian should read that!) and when he describes the torture in the Japanese POW camps - and the length of time people endured and then were killed - it resonates deeply with me.
But with us it was not enemy soldiers full of cruelty and brutality - it was his doctors and some nurses and a mongrel of a system which takes no responsibility. You can be brutalised, mocked, tortured, deprived of all your rights, kept filthy, ignored until you die in our so called health care system and no legal body in this country will stand up for you. People you know wish you would get over it soon and you can tell because its over (as was the war) and those untouched don't want to know.
So please anyone out there how long till the sweet harmonies I have always loved in music don't destroy my day? How long will it be that I can understand that Don no longer suffers and is free of all this shit? For me it is so hard to remember the thousands of good times we had because when i do laugh or joke about some memory, moments later I see his face and those beautiful loving eyes are filled with pleading for the killing to stop. He knew all the time what was going on and sometimes I wish I thought he didn't know.
Part of the reason I moved from my lovely home at Craggy Island was that he was everywhere and nowhere - but there he was happy - then my mind would travel unconsciously to the horrors that ravaged his frail body and killed him.
So here in my new home a long day's drive from my old one - I couldn't understand why I no longer "felt" anything. Then today I put some music on - I was gone - a mess on tears. Maybe the healing will come when I can bear to put it on every day - but that would mean crying till I can't see, can't breathe properly. I don't think I can deal with this, its just too much, to not be able to have music as a comfort and inspiration is to deny someone like me breath.
People untouched cannot understand and that's not their fault, I am pleased for them. Who would wish for the knowledge I carry of the pure evil the health system condones? I do have trouble with those who say or imply that it couldn't have been as bad as i witnessed and had to go public in the news locally to counter that. There were people who gossiped that I was in it for the money when I wrote my book - a process that saw me spend close on $50,000. Including that I have calculated I spent $100,000 fighting for justice for Don's medically caused killing. I feel so much older than I am now but only five years ago I felt I would live forever.
The cost has been so high, health wise - but to have music taken too... One day when I am very old I hope because I do want to live this life to its rich end - the music will make me feel as it used to do.
All I can say is Father forgive them because they do know what they do but they go ahead and do it anyway and imagine there will be no consequences. What bigger crime can there be on this beautiful planet Earth than for doctors and nurses to kill patients and then to cover it all up knowing they can rely on week arsed politicians to give it all the rubber stamp? Adolf Hitler would be proud.
One day I will be able to listen to music, when the damage is lessened by the passing of time
I owe it to the couple we were and no doubt will be again in the big hereafter.
I owe it to these two who carry the best parts of Don and I.
Mostly, most days I am a happy enough little Vegemite - but sometimes you just have to "feel" something real again and the music I had to turn off sure hit me in the heart with a thump today.