Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Just back from away - Makes sense) some catching up to do but thought this was amusing - an oldie but a goodie

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not

... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in
Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is

Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first


Mal Kiely [Lancelots Pram] said...

Milk is illegal! And we always tell the tourists how to avoid the dreaded drop bear! "Funnel web spiders make fantastic pets, and love to be hand-petted". muwahahahaa!

Welcome back home again. Hope you'll be OK with this current stretch of warmer weather.

Mal Kiely [Lancelots Pram] said...

Gotta watch out for those sharks with frikkin' laser beams too! hahahahahaa

Mom said...


Cazzie!!! said...

I love that map!!!

rosemary said...

OK...hysterical....and hysterically sad with the American questions. Sometimes we are a bunch of dolts.

Middle Child said...

Mal, too bloody right strewth, ridgey didge and all that crap!!!

Mom, glad you found it funny...the map is serious stuff

Cazzie - as an Australian, like Mal you know its all true!

Rosemary - ah but its what we love about y'all

Sling said...

How do Aussie toilets work,when the water drains in the wrong direction? (USA)..

Middle Child said...

Sling...we're an inventive lot and no problem for us - can't tell you its a national secret...

iODyne said...

Thanks for the map and the Q&A - get past the humorous answers (the one to rattlesnakes is my favorite) and look at the Really Dumb questions which are genuine.
We read often of 'the cultural cringe', but it's exasperating to suspect The Northern Hemisphere is completely ignorant of our culture.

Wondering how that Swede (from tiny little Sweden the size of half Tassie) is going across The frkn Nullabor ... still walking I guess.

FoxyMoron said...

Crying here, I've seen the Q and A before but it still makes me guffaw.

Love the map. If anyone else but an Aussie posted it however I would have to sick my drop bears on 'em.

Sara said...

HAHAHAHA!!! That map is hysterical. The questions make me sad for humanity though. "Which direction is North"... good god.

Anne said...

Love it! LOL Our little grandsons wanted me to buy them an Australian dicitionary so they knew how to talk on their holiday.

Hey - thanks so much for your supporitve comments. Weird thing as yesterday when you were leaving them I was going back over old entries on your blog seeing how you coped! Strange world this blogland at times.

You have mentioned the Celtic black humour, my friend told Peter last night that's what he had.