|Melissa and Don mid '90's|
|Alison and Don mid 90's|
Its funny since I moved here late last year I realise I don't spend much time here in the daytime and when I do I always have a radio on somewhere in the house - but today the rain smelt so wonderful and birds were just going crazy out in the backyard - seemed wrong just to drown them out...so for the first time ion ages I am here with my thoughts. I realised with a shock that I have not been thinking too much at all - on purpose no doubt - just doing what needs to be done and frustrated because the things I am doing are robotic things which I can do without much thought. There is the danger when I have this sort of time to myself I will go and look at photos - or whatever - even found a funny nonsense poem Don typed out way back in the 80's - its so faded am glad I found it when I did as getting hard to read.
So today just resigned to the reality that there might be a bit of melancholia - a few tears . But somehow that's better than feeling nothing which is how I have felt for some time. I am in the process of trying to at least begin scanning in the old albums and started in the mid 90's which is when all these were taken... In the many albums we have - am ashamed to say exactly how many (its over 80) I have hundreds of Don being hugged by the girls and I and everybody female - its a good thing to have because it helps to realise that just because his life ended in weeks of abuse, and although he suffered a lot after his initial accident, although in the early days it was really rocky and so lucky we made it through - Don was absolutely showered with love and gave back more even. An acquaintance once said to me after she visited our house for the first time " I always imagined that the homes of those people who are disabled would be somehow sort of miserable and unhappy - but I see so much love in your place - much more than in my own" - while this is not always true and it depends on the nature of the people involved. There are bad bastards of disabled people who want everyone to suffer because they are and there are bad bastards of relatives who abuse and rip off their disabled relatives - but sometimes and I know another place where I have seen it work - sometimes you get it right for once in a blue moon. Now I don't know if reincarnation exists but it could...am not sure what waits - but from personal experience I know there is something beyond - and I feel that just sometimes in the life of humankind a few people just work hard at it and get it right - and when this happens there is magic in the home. I look about me and see so many men my husband's age who have let the child inside go - who can't be silly just for the sake of it - who are so predictable...ggarrgh! I don't think we would have survived had he been like this or had I been like this - all over the house there are letters and cards and poems from the kids - to us and the general theme was how happy they were - although not always happy in their chosen life - home was the draw-card - this year we are having Christmas "Mackay" style something we are all looking so forward to - its a tradition really which came down from how my Mum and Dad did Christmas so really the wrong name but Don loved how we did it and it became the only way to go. We usually have a huge bowl of Prawns (Australian ones) Chicken maybe ,lots of salads and nice breads - nibbles Champers - and slowly one at a time opening presents so that everyone gets to see what each has and who from - not just the rip tear bust - and the beauty is that its not too hard on the one person so that the cook isn't worn out at the end - everyone gets to have a good day - sometimes as this is happening my mind will flicker back to a small back verandah in a tiny inland town - its always burning heat on Christmas day and there is my Dad with his lovely smile and grey blue eyes giving each of us our small pressies - mainly for the kids as adults didn't get nor expect much at Christmas - it actually was for the kids the gift giving - and bliss - Cherry Cheer soft drink - a rarity - the chicken had been walking about the yard the day before and was always called Olimathea I or II plus - Rellos came about 10 and we waited for the pressies under the tree till then as they didn't have kids and we were it...but we got to open Santa Clauses' as soon as we woke. Desert was always custard, plum pudding and if the Greek Milk Bar was still open almost next door one of us would run up and buy a brick of ice cream as our own kerosene fridge didn't freeze properly - no doubt as time passes the girls will be my age and have similar thoughts on Christmases in the future - thats if we are still allowed to call it that.
Just a thought train - its raining a little bit now -