Letter to my children

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5.11.04

My Dear Daughters

I’d better get to it and write some more things down. Who knows the future? Cat Stevens sang …”but I might die tonight”…many years before the United States of America deported him because of his affiliations.  No one with any common sense dwells too long on that, but every now and then a little spark comes into my brain and says to me to write some more stuff and not to rely on any time that isn’t here with me now.

There is a poem or story from either Banjo Patterson or Henry Lawson, which has the words in it to “never let the sun go down on your anger” and if I have lived by any creed this is the one which I honour constantly. You two would no doubt recall when I forced you into a room to at least talk to each other, after a small fight, because I knew that a short while on you were both venturing out onto the highway going to different places. It worked. The thought of my bodily getting you each singly and pushing you into our bedroom and shutting the door on you, made you laugh. Laugh at me maybe, but laugh. And once you laughed together your anger lessened and you came out friends.

Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree on things but realise that love, be it family love or just the love we might feel for another human being we will never meet again, love is its own spirit, and it is above all the shit we go through in our days on earth.

I think sometimes if I am in town and coming through the checkout, and maybe angered by the slowness of the queue, I think about that being angry, and often the cause is not the queue itself, which is after all for people a damn good chance to be a bit sociable with each other, but I think about the cause of my anger. I know that mostly its because I have set myself, or have had set a too tight schedule to get the things done, so that any delay eats into that schedule. Its that what makes me angry, and I might curse the fact that the bank had ten windows for tellers but only two tellers working, but I try to be compassionate and friendly to those poor bloody tellers when it is my turn, because they are like me, and just caught up in it all. They are not the cause of the long queue. Just as, just because I set myself a tight schedule, why should I make the teller or the shop assistant miserable because of that?

I know sometimes if I have been a bit vulnerable, a bit down or miserable, or even when I have suffered a tragedy if someone is offhand or cruel to me it hurts even more, and it can make the day become quite dreadful. Conversely I realise that the people I deal with in my day also suffer at times, have tragedies to deal with, suffer grief, and who knows they could be just on the razor’s edge of dark depression, and just holding it together and then I give them that last little tip they didn’t need, by being nasty, or cranky. I know I wouldn’t like anyone doing that to my kids, to my husband or to an old person or a child or just anyone. I try to remember not to do this to people.

I like my privacy big time, but as my eldest sister commented on recently, I could talk underwater and about anything and have no trouble at all that way. Its easy and just flows…a bit too much at times, but I have always talked to strangers, and find often you can talk to strangers much more openly than you can to your own people. As you grow older you use a little more caution or common sense in this, so as to not overly embarrass people, (or yourself…most likely), and must respect others need for solitude on trains and busses. I almost make it a rule not to get too conversational at the beginning of a long train ride or whatever…a lesson learned a few times in the past when I found myself next to someone who talked solid for a three hour or so trip. That exhausts me, and I find I need my own solitude on trips and have the most amazing thoughts when I find myself with nothing to do.

But then again even if I almost make it a rule to do some things, I sort of live my life by the maxim “there are no rules” (unless they make sense.) The main things to really live by are “First do no harm” and “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” and “Like attracts like” but yet “opposites attract” maybe because they complement each other. Who knows?

I really think that we are born “knowing” the way to live and be. Maybe some are born with more of this insight, because of?? What?? But its there. But somehow very early on its clear some “know” and others don’t. Of those who really know they either know more and more and go that way or do the other way and let go of knowing. Or just stay stagnant and only know what they were born with. Of those who seem not to know, many continue this way and become more ignorant. Some realise they long for truth and set out to learn and grow and in time with the right learning and understanding, knowing comes to them. Others don’t care and stay stagnant.

But just because we think that maybe we have the knowing of the way, it shows our ignorance if we begin to compare ourselves with those we judge lesser in the knowing stakes. When you really know, you also know you cannot judge others because you cannot know their history, their future and their deep intention.

Oscar Wilde said, “All of us are in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars.” Those of us, who look up at those stars and can see them, should be compassionate but not allow ourselves to be brought low by those who cannot see those stars. Some of them may be looking up but clouds may be covering their portion of the sky. Some may be looking up but they may be actually blind and need healing.  Some are looking but do not know which direction to look in. Some are looking at their pretty feet and shoes and possessions and it will only be when they see those temporary possessions fade and decay that they realise that the “truth is indeed out there” Others love the gutter, they thrive in its muck and slime and they love it so much they try to drag us all back into it. Some only do this a little but there are those on this earth who will not be satisfied till they have us all in the gutter trapped in its gunk and unable to even remember where the stars are.

Keep away from these. Often they appear to be some of the most well educated and urbane of people and they have one thing in common, which makes them the most dangerous people on earth… as Sir Arthur Aimes said, “The passion to regulate the lives of others is deep seated in many individuals. When this is based on political expediency, it is bad, and when it is inspired by an idealism which wishes to inflict benefits on others, it can be dangerous.” These sorts of people are particularly dangerous because they often believe fanatically that the social engineering they may be involved in such as Water Fluoridation or forced Vaccination, or other seemingly benign “experiments” on humanity are actually good and even when given conclusive evidence as to the illnesses they are causing and to the effects on the thinking that illnesses bring, they become even more vehement.

Beyond these “jolly hockey sticks people” are the true dangers, those who know what they are doing is evil and continue to do it and seek to bring us all into their way of thinking.

But once you have seen those stars, even one will do, or once you have begun to look for them, knowing they are out there, the slime and gunk begins to slough away from you and you truly do become beautiful.

The light you create can be seen by those beings…be they angels or holy spirits, (all part of God) and they draw to you to hold you in their wings. It may feel like we are alone often but as long as we lean towards those little pinpoints of light in the darkness we are surrounded by others like us also waking up, and we are given help. I think that that’s what praying really is. I think it’s the longing we have inside us for the right sort of happiness, for the right sort of living, and as I have said if you hold your dream in your heart, and if your dream is light filled and honest, then somewhere, somehow the dream does become reality. Sometimes the path to the dream is hidden and turns back on itself a lot so that we feel like we are not getting anywhere, and often that we are slipping back…I am sure you know how heartbreaking this is. But it is the thing that I live by…I believe or rather I know, that there is a divine intelligence in the universe. I believe that it is benign. I also believe that we live in a universe of duality, and that bad things do happen and that we have to constantly hold that light in our hearts.

I don’t know where or what causes the sadness’s and sorrows and illnesses and tragedies, but I do know that we humans are not perfect and maybe never will be. I do know that it is because we have “free will” and can decide to do good, do evil or just not care at all, and I feel that there is a power that can tap into apathy and badness’s.

Maybe that power is its own being, maybe it is created by our thoughts, maybe being here on earth with our free will is for the learning and the striving and is part of the process of life in our universe.

I just know this. When I was a child, I had parents who truly loved me and were compassionate and understanding. I was able to play and create my own world and dream in my own way. I know also that both my parents grew up with love, given to them in the way they loved us. So therefore I feel I was such a lucky kid. How they treated me nurtured me inside my heart and allowed me to feel free enough to laugh and be real, if a bit mucky. They gave me the greatest gift, the ability to dream by leaving me be and not ordering my childhood. They did love me unconditionally.

I cannot begin to imagine who I would be had I had a different reality as a child. So therefore although I may really dislike what some people do and how they hurt others and how they think in rigid squares, it’s not my place to put myself on any higher platform and say I am better. If I do that, my light dims a little and it doesn’t matter what I dream or what I learn, it will always be dimmer until I learn a little humility.

I have learnt so much from being your mother… how to love unconditionally and to really know what that means. It doesn’t sound much but it is a major thing to understand. But if I had never had children I would have maybe had that ability to love unconditionally cut off for me and have had to concentrate in other areas. Maybe I would have found a way to love unconditionally though work or friendships, but how much easier has it been for me this way. Again I know how lucky I am.

But maybe I had a dream, as a child, or before this life. Maybe I was unable to have this dream then but I held it in my heart and some part of me remembered it. Maybe the parents I chose, who also chose their parents and the children we had who also chose us as parents, maybe there is a plan and a pattern and all that happens is part of the great plan. But I feel it is a plan that allows for us to be individuals. I feel it actually encourages us to be individuals and I believe that it is only as individuals that we retain the imagination needed to fully dream the dreams we do.

A lot of what is wrong and is pulling us back into the gutter and forcing our faces into the muck is the “hive” mentality which seems to be so entrenched these days. All a hive can construct is honey, new bees and another hive. It can grow, can become a metropolis of hives, can dance in circles and point, it can work because life is cheap, and all is sacrificed for the hive, but it will be a hive in a billion years if the world is still here.

The hive mentality lacks the spark of the divine inspiration to create changes, which are beneficial to the human soul. It doesn’t create, it appears to invent and change but the changes are still part of the rigid structure of conformity, which is essential to all hives, be they bees, wasps or humans.

Indications of a hive mentality are that life is not valued for its own sake. Women and children are debased, devalued and exploited. Men are encouraged to abuse power because they can and women learn to manipulate them so as to gain security. Humour is bland and cruel. People begin to become like drones, keeping their heads down and living vicariously through tall poppies, who are like the “corn kings” of old, adored like gods till the day they are sacrificed for the common good. The road they live on is slippery on the way up, and even slipperier on the way down.

The benign loving power of the universe needs us to be ourselves, to be individuals, to laugh ourselves to tears regularly, to sing, to be silly, to write, to move, to lie dreaming, to love, to grieve truly, to be allowed to be who we can be and so enrich our own lives and the lives of those around us, and in doing so allowing for those amazing spark and sunbursts of imagination which surge out of us at the most amazingly silly times, and which make the world more beautiful for us all to live in.

Outside my window at present, a light misty rain is falling. Droplets of water hang like small worlds from the tree close by. The small ferns and leaves bob gently, responding to a breeze I can not even feel. The birds are going crazy with joy and the world looks and is refreshed and clean.

My dream is this… I dream that you have health and happiness and love in your life. I dream that you always have enough to eat, a home to live in and clothes to keep you warm. I dream that if you like to read, you always have something to read. If you like to sing you always have a song in your heart. If you find true love you always have that true love. I dream that if you have children you will dream for them good dreams in their interest, and not because of what society would require of them. I dream that you have time to dream, time to be creative, time to be silly and beauty around you which is real beauty. I dream that we will always know and recognise each other, and that it is the love of the knowing, the knowing of the way (The “Maat”) and the light sparkles we seek that will draw us together till the end of time. I dream…and because I dream, I am. For what am I but a dream, dreamt by God to enrich the universe of his imagination and to learn and grow in the light I draw from my own quest for truth.

I have so much more to learn and understand. I dream for myself that I will always be open to new learning and that I will always recognise that distinctive resonance of truth when I seek new knowledge. I dream that the rest of this life of mine, be it days, weeks or years, will not be too sad, will have much happiness and that I will often see near me the faces of those I love. I am human enough to want and need this.

I know this. God who or whatever the divine intelligence is, has a brilliant sense of humour, a marvellous spark for the ridiculous.  When I think of the words “I am not laughing at you, I am laughing with you” I like to think that that’s how it is. Not a humour that is crude and cruel and insensitive. I think of Dr Phillip Sutton, (see below) near the end of his life, after all he had done and had done to him, being as delightfully amused as a child when he became transfixed by what he thought was someone’s leg swinging from side to side in an adjacent caravan. First his puzzlement when he commented that they seemed to be keeping time to his own leg, then his high amusement when he realised he’d been watching the reflection of his own leg.

I think that God has that sort of humour and takes delight in the ridiculous things we do and the outcomes of his dreams. I also realise that you can’t really have a true sense of humour unless you have a great compassion and love of human foibles. And therein lies the truth. It’s all about compassion. Its all about kindness and pity, and understanding. Its all about humility, and gentleness and silliness and softness. Its about enabling your own free will and enabling by not being too judgemental the free will of all others within the bounds of the universal laws governing the sacredness of live.

And yes, as the song says…”but I might die tonight” but its unlikely, but in case on this earth and in this life this is the last chance I am sure of to be true to myself, then it is important to remember to dream always the good dreams for what you want.

Who knows the angels might be earwigging, and blow lightly in your eyes so you don’t always see cruelty. They might gently cover your ears so the words of others don’t hurt, just for the moment. Who knows they might, dance a silly dance across your inner eye and pull silly faces so that you just start laughing for no reason, and you feel good afterwards.

Who knows? Who really knows? They say, “Pigs might fly, well maybe. But Angels certainly do fly and they carry our dreams, and hold them safe for us and nurture them till we are able to step into the dream and live in its reality.

Life is sacred, and we may choose to live life sacredly, and with grace, or we can become mechanised hive dwellers and work just for the hive, never raising our heads nor daring to dream for fear of attack from the rest of the hive.

Hold always the dream in your heart and know it will happen… but not in our time frame…it will happen when it is best for us that it does. A forced birth of a dream always causes chaos.

Just some things which came to me today that I thought I’d like to share with you two, if you got this far!!
Love Mum