Am starting to feel the Chill of Melbourne Winter

But my youngest says this is just the start - I think its the constantly cold toes and nose that gets me the most and this place hasn't got great insulation - not to worry its always better than being hot. Its wonderful to see all the tree lined streets all yellows and golds - something we didn't see in port Macquarie - it never got quite cold enough for the brilliant colours of Autumn to show - and the streets are pretty shy of trees such as you see here.


Am praying in my own way that my eldest's husband comes out of hospital okay tomorrow - a small cut on his thumb...but with Diabetes it has him in hospital on an antibiotic drip - after just recently beginning to get back to work after losing his leg last March, he doesn't need this setback...and I know its hard on my daughter as its a lot of travelling through city traffic back and forwards - and coming home late - as well it brings back to her the terrible time of visiting her Dad in hospital as he was dying - so much damage done there to her and all of us I guess.

I have grown very fond of my two sons in law - find it really concerns me that one is struggling right now

I am waiting for her to arrive home and find out when he comes home and if I will go up to Sydney depending on whats going on with them.

A special day yesterday

Five years yesterday since Don died. A special day today with Melissa phoning to see if I was okay - but she breaking down as soon as she got on the phone and Alison making sure I wasn't alone - which was good for her as well I know - wonderful kids who have had lives that already haven't been easy - hard to credit 5 years - we went to the Op Shops - a favourite and cheap thing to do - Ali came back here and played with the cats - they posed pretty well as they usually act as if you have pointed a gun at them - maybe knowing Don's love of cats it's with good reason they are shy of cameras - although I remember his crying after our old cat Archimedes was buried - as he said when being serious (?) it wasn't the cats he hated but what they did when left to roam... sort of agree these days... which would amaze him.

Lit some candles as I usually do not just for Don but for all important remembrances such as Mum and Dad...got some flowers from my yard. I feel it's important to have those days in the year when we set aside time for reflection no matter how painful - a few tears never killed anybody. 


Just something that occurred to me and which is important - our families are getting smaller. The people we love and who love us are spare on the ground. Over the years I learned a lot from watching Don's bravery and suffering and through levels of pain most cannot imagine  - he was there with his quick wit and his caring for us all.
From the moment he came into our family he cared - sometimes that caring was a bit rough around the edges - what didn't kill me made me stronger (??)... and one thing he taught me was the value of having honest feelings for people.  


Don came from a different background where - although he was loved - it was fractured.

  

The girls know most of this and they should be proud of the man he was - not perfect but strong, brave and a gentleman  No matter what happened in my days and life he was there behind me. That's something not many have. Home meant so much to him before and after his accident. Family was all.

Some tears shed as the hours came closer - no harm done at all - nothing wrong with the odd good cry. Still I feel like I am a lucky person - always felt this way (so far) its  hard because it was so good. Some people never have what we had - and maybe its easier after - but I can't imagine living with normal, passionless,  ordinary or safe.

Went to Werribee Mansion on Mothers Day with the kids...it was a request by me but at only $7 a head (for adults) it was well worth it. It was wonderful that they enjoyed it as much as I did... wasn't too long after we went to see the new version of "Woman In Black" (A MUST SEE! the scariest thing I have seen for years, after being scared by the first version) so a certain value was had out of trying to scare each other especially down in the kitchen area - Its set in Edwardian times - and centres around an abandoned mansion - most of the Melbourne based bloggers will have been there and its pretty impressive - I was amazed at the detail and those huge mirrors and the crystal chandelier - then the working class in me started imagining the work involved in cleaning and serving etc that poorly paid people would have had to do - no doubt their rooms were not  grand and its something that occurred to me - while it appears that the wealthy are remembered, the ruling classes etc it is the creations of craftsmen, tradies, those who work with their hands which endure. The pyramids were set up by the Pharaohs - but not one brick nor stone would exists - not one building, no Stonehenge, no thing but for the hands and backs of those who build - and - a thought train - lest we forget the whole thing...everything depended and depends on those who grow the food we eat, something so easily forgotten until we are hungry - if ever. I have yet to explore the grounds - as it was a real Melbourne day raining one minute sunny the next - but it looks beautiful and so close to where I live - 

The kids gave me  good things for Mothers day but I was very amused to open one package and find a bloody compass in it - I get a bit confused by where the bay is as the ocean has for 58 years always been on the east for me - so I think there was a message in gving me the compass - I should have known I was being set up because they started looking at each other a lot as I opened it - its good to be set up sometimes - nice to know my son in law can have a joke at my expense and enjoy it - bodes well for the future

The Burbs

Over suburban rooftops - the sunset is still something else -

 Andrew mentioned putting some up after he posted some amazing ones of his own... so I am still lucky I can still just step outside my back door and there it is - when I was younger I would easily be up before sunrise and saw many of those but admit to finding it a bit harder getting up that early these days in the cooler weather. Its a funny street that I live in now - you seldom see anyone walking around outside much less doing anything to their homes. Melissa and Chris commented that it would be the perfect street to make a Gothic movie in - all these houses and cars so close together but nothing moving... I am so used to open spaces, have been lucky most of my life to have been living either on the edge of town, out in the country or for a few years working all over from a caravan where our yard was the horizons around us...I've spent time in flats in the inner city which I loved as well as there is so much live and things to watch around - but never thought to find myself in this in between world the Burbs. Its okay - Just a different phase of my life.

Its funny here all the yards have high paling fences so no one can see into the next yard - sort of a good thing re privacy but its odd to hear conversations and movements so close but unseen. I even found myself one day so curious about what all the strange noises were I looked through a tiny hole in the fence to see  - lucky there was no eye looking back at me - (haven't told anyone but the kids this yet...) I couldn't see anything but the side of the house next door about an arms length away from me... I would say 100% of us would do the same left to their own devices for too long! I usually let the bad cat out late in the day for a short time - she is the one who has an almost 100% kill rate so I stay with her - she can't climb these fences yet or hasn't figured out she can - not a good idea as there are dogs on all sides - So while making sure no birds came her way was when curiosity got the better of me. Was disappointed - it was so ordinary.

Does anyone know what this lone bird sitting on the next door's antennae is? Its a newie to me.

I haven't seen any parrots of any type near here - put bird seed out but apart from a few little unknown birds I seem to have mainly sparrows and starlings...and pigeons.

I am leaning slowly to like it here but sometimes I find myself wondering how in hell did I get here. This time last year I hadn't made any decisions...although I knew keeping my few acres was financially unsustainable as well as emotionally draining. As much as I loved it it was getting harder and harder to come home - so many beautiful memories - the new people are really loving it and i am so happy about that. We liked each other straight off and its nice to know there are kids and horses running about my place as well as their mum who loves being there. What better could you want for a place as special as Craggy island?

I had to drive into South Melbourne yesterday got a bit lost when I missed a turn off the free way but found my way thanks to the technology  (GPS) - Later found the South Melbourne Markets which Ali and I used to go to when she was living in there. Was a nice day and only came away with a second hand book - moving after 35 years taught me I don't need any more stuff till my old stuff dies or is worn out - no more ornaments  - am a bit of a boring person to shop with as would rather sit and watch the world go by than blow money I don't need to spend - not a bad place to have my head in really.

Something I am slowly getting used to is the fact I don't have to be home at any set time. After most of our adult lives together, when if I had to do shopping we would either hire someone to stay with Don - or in the earlier days - I would need to be home within a few hours as not safe for Don to be on his own for too long - I still feel as if I have to be home at a certain time after I go out. Its unconscious. But in a way I miss being needed to be home because I was always happier there than anywhere. We became very self sufficient and grew used to not needing others apart from paid staff. I am still the same - quite happy in my own company generally. I actually get really tired when I have to be amongst people for an extended period of time apart from the kids. A couple of hours does me and is good.

Must get out in the sun now while it lasts - its a bit chillier here than I thought...

Time was

I just came across this photo of the girls (now in their 30's) asleep... kids can sleep anywhere - Its the arm right across Ali's neck which amused me. I remember we came home late from somewhere and I just walked and carried them into bed and let them stay in their day clothes - Never wake a sleeping child! They are still pretty close and as with siblings they are very different in many ways but very much alike in the ways that count.

Its been a quiet week here. Its taking a bit of getting used to the cold. My house is not that well insulated as when I go to the kids' house its a lot warmer and I am a mad window opener - needed when you have cats. I gave in this week and put the heating on and it works fine. I never used heating in my old place except when people came because I don't like heating unless its from a real fire. I have been lucky enough that I have lived in houses where there was a real fireplace (up until 2004) that could be used and nothing compares.
Whenever I smell the woodfire smoke it takes me way back to childhood and I can easily see our old fuel stove where we would make our own toast on the end of a long fork - this before we had a toaster. Like many in my age group who grew up in the country I can remember the kerosene fridge, the ice chest before that and the copper which heated the water for our baths. Water which had to be carried in buckets into the bath tub.

Change seems to be happening exponentially of late and I wonder at the world I grew up in. Was fine for me because I didn't have to wash the family's clothes by hand as Mum did. I didn't have to chop the wood as Dad did . But what I do recall is that along with the hard work which no one misses people seemed to have time to sit on each other's verandahs and chat. Mum always had time to listen and I mean listen. Dad was gentle and very strong something never spoken about but you just knew he would be there...and the shock when he was killed knocked us about terribly.

I wouldn't want to go back because it was hard and the people who were poor were really poor with no way out if you hit old age with nothing after a lifetime of work. But somewhere along the way it feels like something has been lost with all the change. I think we are desensitised to things which once would have rocked us. I was explaining to the kids once that when people first went to the pictures (the silent ones) and saw someone being shot off a horse they were appalled. People walked out. Some people got sick...because it was real to them.

Now I can watch and seldom think anything at all - and its much more graphic - but while I can recognise easily its not real a part of me is disconnected... and not sure that's a good thing. Unless it happens to us or our friends or we actually see or are part of it - a lot of what happens isn't real.

just a bit of a thought train.

Radio Interview 26th April - 

I’d like to thank Fair Dinkum Radio’s Leon Pittard for the hour long interview he did with me yesterday and which is now up on line. It covers the time before Don went to hospital, his abuse and death and the battle afterwards. It runs for an hour. It is an important cautionary story for those especially disabled or elderly who are entering the health system. Forewarned is always better.

http://fairdinkumradio.com/?q=WDC#

Feeling a bit Droopy of late... I don't know what's wrong with me of late but I feel really tired and off colour - first I thought I was just down but then on came the nausea and racing heart - and it comes and goes in waves. I was at a meeting yesterday listening to a retired journo talk and he was really entertaining and funny, but I almost fell off the chair a few times as I kept drifting off - yet have had good sleep. Then when everyone else appeared quite comfortable I just broke out in waves of heat - (thought menopause was over some time ago) . I am just feeling physically exhausted - most likely some sort of bug which will ease soon hopefully...not depressed because I am interested in things , whats going on around me - 

Its funny, when I think of the old place at craggy island - its as if there are two me's. The one here and the other one and although I share her memories its as if I have disassociated myself from her feelings - I like it here okay, but I miss the wildness and the skies and the green. We only lived there 5 years - but I guess it was the last place I was with my husband and he died there.

In 2004 we moved from our old place where we had lived 18 years and I sort of did the same to that life - Before they moved the house Don and I went back inside and made a video about our life there and some of the things that happened - this time when I left I did video some of the scenery and all of that but there was no telling happy stories... I am glad to be closer to family, but I wish in a way I had been able to afford to keep the old place - it was just financially unsustainable...

 Can't really go into it in detail as its private stuff  - a few family issues (not with the kids and their husbands thankfully)- and nothing in here is private as many of us have learned to our costs - there are those who don't understand the ethic of allowing privacy - if they can access they will and see nothing wrong with their actions - its low class as far as I am concerned and not the way we were raised. Mum and Dad always allowed us as much privacy as one can have in a house full of kids and a mum and Dad... letters were private and never ever opened. They didn't try to worm their way into your head too much and as long as you didn't do anything too outrageous your inner thoughts wee your own. And as kids and young teens we didn't do anything much to worry them - even if i did runaway from boarding school - I was actually running back to home.

If of course you are afraid your kids are into heavy stuff that could harm them or others then as a parent you have not only a right but a duty to invade the privacy - that's different.

Sometimes in here amongst those I have posted with for quite some years I read others with the same issues - For me in the years after Don was killed - being able to post in here sure beat taking sleeping pills or something else because I just could not sleep for any length of time - And I got a lot of advice, help and support in here - at times much more than from others...

Its a funny thing about "low class" - you can own the world and be "low class" and you can be poor as a church mouse and have real class. I remember many years ago an elderly neighbour who had just met my Mother commented that she was "a real lady" - and I knew what she meant. She was very poor and didn't have good clothes really... the widow's pension which she tried to live on after Dad was killed wasn't adequate and in those days there were almost no jobs for older women nor help in minding the kids still at home. But Mum never acted poor. She never let her dignity go and she was always soft and compassionate - and interested... She had the big house but it was unpainted for years and the roof had begun to rust before she moved over to be near Don and I. From out of this old house would come the sounds of her playing Beethoven on the old piano, and then the old record player would offer Elvis - there were books and comfort - but no waste - I wrote this about my Mother's house back in 1988 before she moved

"My Mother’s House.

An old ginger cat, called Samboy, who dribbles

and soaks in the heat and patting.

A larrikin dog, called Ben, with a strong lust

for life, female dogs, and things that stink a lot -

An old, old house ...

with no paint left on it - but flakes of war time yellow -

Sagging at the seams...

Inside - Colour! Colour! Colour!

The whole spectrum thrown with abandon

amongst the clutter of every item ever made and collectible...

Seemingly chaotic...

but she can put her hand on everything you need,

“Just give me five minutes”.

This then is my Mother’s house now.

No neat prissy brick and tile, with every care taken,

and smelling of a life wasted in endless order and empty heart -

Sometimes here she is happy.

Light shines and laughter warms in girlish giggles from her.

Sometimes she is very unhappy.

She closes from the light and lives inside a cardboard world,

enduring it till it passes...

People with their heads and hearts on backwards

Would never see the charm, warmth and purity

of my Mother’s house."

***********
 and its "charm, warmth and purity" that can't be bought. 

Mum with Ben the mad dog who chewed on exhaust pipes of cars while they were idling!

Mum was about 20 here

Mum was about 43 here - just after Dad was killed - and just noticed she is holding her arms in exactly the same position in both photos - never noticed that before

I think I need to get out of the house right now -

An amazing family

I hope you will take the time to watch this - I met Shane through his mother Sue who edited my book "Without Due Care". I got to know and respect this wonderful family through Sue - and understood the huge loss her husband and her children's dad was - Shane was funny, clever, brave, extremely disabled physically and from the two short meeting I had with him I came away understanding that there are angels on Earth and Shane was one - as were his whole family. I understood how severe disability effects the children in the family from our own experience - People unaffected have no idea of the humour and love within a family unit like this despite the hardships. So next time you read or hear about the NDIS (National Disability Insurance Scheme) understand that it was bugun by a very few people, Sue (Shane's mum) being one - it was begun because they knew! From experience unlike too many. When i originally saw this I was so sad as I hadn't known Shane had died - He hadn't long finished year 12 and at a time when most are beginning their lives his life ended. http://www.abc.net.au/news/2011-07-15/deceased-mans-family-calls-for-disability-reform/2796990 

a quiet saturday morning thought train

The Fam in about 1999 -  

My Mum Margaret and our two daughters way back  in about 1988

I have been mucking about with a free program  you can access through Picassa called Picnik..and having some fun with some old photos - way back when the second of these which was taken in 1988 was taken we could never have imagined the world we are living in today with its electronics - oh! sure Don had a computer - got his first in 1982 when he could no longer write with a pen due to injury - but it was a simple little thing - its a funny thing about photos I can remember as clear as a bell where and when all photos I have ever taken happened. The beautiful photo of my mum and girls here was taken just before mum's 60th birthday - she was quite frail really but only in body - she dropped dead six years later - in terrible circumstances - but here she is happy, in amongst family and loved...and we all die as sure as we are born and mostly can never know the manner nor time.


For me the volumes of albums I love to leaf through sometimes are a testament to the hope we human beings have, the love we have, the silly things like events that went belly up but are recorded for posterity - in all their stupidity.


And sometimes I think that maybe we are surrounded in brightness and light even more so than in these pictures but often we forget and trudge around not seeing the stars in the sky or the horizon, of the spark of interest in a small baby's face at the checkout - (yes I am one of those who pulls faces and smiles at babies - and they do it back and I don't care what people think - babies are so wonderful like that because no one has told them what they can and can't do).


Many days I have my head down and seldom look about me - but then I can't stand myself when I am like that for too long and many times have forced myself to just get out there and walk - for me I think of the lives of people like Mum, Dad and Don that were over too quickly - and I have those years with my health that they didn't get - so still have bad days but the good days always outweigh the bad ones.


I have what is sometimes an inconvenience - the habit of making eye contact when I walk down the street. I think this is a habit that mainly kids who grew up in country towns have - as there are often so few people in the street you can't just walk past people without acknowledging them with eye contact or a smile - whatever...it has gotten me into trouble at times as I always seem to be the one who gets bailed up in the street by those aggressive charity collectors who don't want your coins but want your bank account which I won't give... (people would be more generous if those charities didn't put such conditions on donations) - I as well seem to find it hard to walk past beggars - and if there are not too many of them will usually drop something - none of us are immune from homelessness, mental illness or other which could see ourselves in time in the same awful position...and I know sometimes its a rort - but more often its not -


It gets easier now being older to have eye contact - when I was young and reasonable - eye contact often resulted in unwanted attention and more than one occasion I was followed a bit too closely - but now i am at this wonderful age where I am invisible - just a middle aged woman with glasses walking past - and I quite like it because it feels like it used to feel when i was a kid and was just myself.


How did I get to here - bit of a thought train...

A writing group that I was and still am a member of based in Port Macquarie is not too far off having a book of our stories and poems published - (self published of course - we're not that good yet) -  I put in mainly stories as I don't really know all the "rules" about writing poetry - but do it anyway...

I was talking with my eldest sister this morning about what we could and couldn't handle in people the most - and we agreed that pretentious people was a pet hate - amongst others as well a few likes - 

I am putting this poem in the book because it describes  how I feel about pretension (sometimes my own!) protocol - Its a simple work but I like it better than some of the others that took much more effort.

Laughter.

 At times when everything seems so deadly serious,

and small things grow to assume such a great importance,

and the things of this life are so solidly in your face -

you forget that there are other lives out there

than the one you are so deadly in earnest about...

When we all sit about, talking all our nothings

with such gravity -

A part of me seems to separate with a life I have no control of...

and sets up a smirky smile, a chuckle needing to be hidden,

a belly laugh trying hard not to take over . . .

My child face round and clear twinkles with devilment

seeing the ridiculousness I am in danger of succumbing to.

“We must not laugh at funerals, Therese.

Nor at Premiers and Prime Ministers - not to their faces anyway -

We must not roll our eyes at protocol,

Nor at pretentious prattling mawkish six month ‘pastors’

who try to save us from ourselves.

It does not do to stand with hands on hips...as if about to charge

nor is it done to mimic land developers and councillors

who play the game so well.

And Therese, just because the doctor walks like he’s got

a broom lodged up his bottom,

doesn’t mean its okay to imitate him behind his back,

when you think he isn’t looking...”

At these times I am reminded of who I really am,

Accepting that the saying that “God laughs in flowers’

mightn’t always fill my garden with the prettiest of flowers...

And I much rather the rough child that runs inside me

laughing in the sunshine - digging me in the ribs

as I try to keep it straight - roaring out “HAW HAW HAW”

in great belly laughs that make your sides ache.

To only laugh when others think its funny and correct

in a world becoming too respectable, serious and full of pretension...

amongst hidden cruelties, affectation, pomposity and stuffiness,

means too bloody long between laughs for me.